Fake Plastic Trees

Nope, this isn't about Radiohead, sorry. It's about trees. Well, actually it's about plastic. I broke down this year and opted for the fake tree.

Why? With two kids it wasn't so hard to get out and look for a tree. Now that we have THREE kids, and busy schedules it was getting to be downright impossible.

So, when my 4-year-old said, "Daddy, can we go pick a tree?"

I said, "Sure," and off to WalMart we went.

"Daddy, this isn't where we get trees. We get trees OUTSIDE."

"Yes, I know...but this will be a SPECIAL tree. This will be one that we can use over and over and over!"

Gee, can you tell that I am in sales?

We got the tree and took it home. It's not so bad, really. It looks a little bit fake but it came with lights pre-attached! Man, you can't beat that with a stick!

I might just have to buy some of that pine spray, just to make it a little more realistic.

This is really a first for me. We ALWAYS had a real tree growing up, but now I can see why sometimes we didn't have our tree up until Christmas Eve when I was little. Life is HECTIC. This will be one less thing to have to 'run out and do' every year.

Which reminds me, we were out shopping at the mall this weekend and the toy store had this semi-intelligent toy pony named "Butterscotch" that reacts to your words, lights, sounds, etc. It even comes with a pretend carrot to feed to it.

This thing is really kind of creepy...and it costs $250! Really, for $250 it should be able to change a diaper and vacuum the house too.

Luckily, my 4-year-old was not into this. I think I would have to sleep with garlic around my neck or something...the thing is just creepy.

Anyway, only three shopping days left! This year I'm almost done except for one person (no, not my wife...I'm not STUPID!).

I will be strapping on my racing shoes on Christmas Eve as usual, I'm sure. There's just something insanely fun about being out with the masses. I'm better under pressure anyway.

'Tis the season! Maybe one day soon we will actually DECORATE the tree!

Do Not Read While Eating....Part II

Well, it's been a record 5 minutes since my last post (scroll down and read Part I if you haven't already). It's funny, two weeks...no inspiration. Five minutes...an entire book's worth of lovely, blog-worthy, family moments.

After surviving the incident pictured in the previous post, my lovely wife got the baby changed, bathed her, and put her in a nice, new, clean outfit.

I had just finished hitting "Publish Post"...when I hear, "OH MY GOD!"

I look over...and I see baby formula SPEWING from my daughter's mouth and BOTH nostrils. This was not her typical little 'spit-up'. This was her imitation of a fire-breathing dragon on steroids. Barry Bonds would be jealous of this one. Then...it happens again. And yet AGAIN.

This reminded me of an incident from my childhood that my mother and I now simply refer to as...."The Brioschi Incident". Without going into the gory details, if there had been an Olympic event called 'Hurling for Distance', I would have won.

This time, we had to remove the baby's NEW outfit AND my wife had to change too.

The worst part of all this is that I was home with the kids all day while my wife was at work and everything was fine.

Now that my wife has decided to try and spend a few minutes with our daughter, she's been pooped on and puked on within the last 30 minutes.

My first reaction was to reach for the camera again but my paternal instincts kicked in and said 'clean the baby, idiot.' Of course, later, my wife said, "Why didn't you take a picture of that too?"

Yeah, like THAT's what you all really would have wanted to see. The next thing you know, I'll be taking pictures of their poopy diapers. Sheesh.

In her defense, the baby had a check-up yesterday and got FOUR shots in her legs so she's probably not feeling quite right. Poor kid.

Well, I'm off to go put on a tarp and play with the baby. Probably see you in another five minutes.

Do Not Read While Eating...Part I

Oh, so you just had to see, huh? The headline wasn't warning enough, right? It's like saying, "DON'T think about a pink elephant!"

(By the way, YES I'm still around. Two of our three daughters have December birthdays so, like the magician in Frosty the Snowman, we've been BUSY, BUSY, BUSY! Now, where were we? Oh yes...)

Well, you brought this upon yourSELF. Just remember that.

Let me just say this...sometimes, when you're suffering from a mild case of writer's block, something happens that makes you think, "Gee, that was easy."

So.....without further ado.....

Would SOMEONE.....PLEASE.....tell me WHAT....in the WORLD.....we're supposed to do with THIS???...

Knock, Knock...Who's There?

Let's take a little trip to Odd-Land, shall we?

Our three-year-old woke up this morning, came into our room and announced the following:


"I heard a noise in my room last night while I was sleepin'."

"You did?", we asked, "What did it sound like?"

Our daughter replied, "Well, it, um, sounded like...a knock-knock joke!"

I will pause for a moment to let that sink in.

It was at this precise moment in the conversation that I could feel the synapses of my brain frying. Surely, I was about to have an aneurism trying to figure this one out.

After we re-gained our composure, we asked,

"What did the knock-knock joke sound like?"

"Well," said our daughter, "it sounded like....'knock knock, who's there, banana!'"

I can tell you that, at this point, my brain looked at me, picked up its coat and said, "I'm outta' here...check please."

Now, I have heard lots of noises in my sleep. I have had moments where I could've sworn that the kids were calling me. At times, I have heard the dog having some sort of "gotta' get that rabbit" dream and huffing & puffing in his sleep...at least I HOPE that's what he's dreaming about.

I mean, he's a dog. What about his life is so stressful that he has nightmares?

"Laying on the floor, laying on the floor, licking up crumbs, licking myself, laying on the floor, gotta' go outside, gotta' go back in, gotta' eat, gotta' see what's on top of this counter, gotta' grab this brownie before anyone sees me, oops got yelled at, gotta' go get some sleep."

That's the extent of his exciting day. Still, he huffs and puffs and whines in his sleep. This, by the way, usually causes me to ball up one of my socks and lob it down to the foot of bed and peg him right in the snout.

"SHHHH!", I call out to the dog.

He then assumes that I am calling him, of course.

"Hmmm....'SHHHH'," he thinks to himself, "That must mean 'come here and lick my hand.'"

He then comes over to the side of the bed and plants a big, wet one on me to see what's up. I usually give him an obligatory pat on the head.

"Now, go back to sleep....good boy...and shut up."

ANYWAY, in all of my years, I have never heard a knock-knock joke in my room in the middle of the night...although I admit, the prospect does seem rather entertaining.

Of all the knock-knock jokes in the world, why would she hear the old "Banana...'banana who?'" joke?

I gave my daughter the only advice I could think of.

"Orange you glad you were able to go back to sleep?" :-)

Busted by a Three-Year-Old

My wife came home from work on Saturday and we all decided to head over to the mall for some shopping and dinner. 'Tis the season, right?

I had just spent the morning alone with my girls and was relieved to have my wife home from work to lend a hand, although Saturday mornings are my favorite as far as 'Daddy Time' goes.

As we were headed over to the mall, my three-year-old daughter chimed in from the back seat,

"Daddy! Tell Mommy about when you got MAD!"

Uh oh, I thought. Here it comes. I replied,

"Yes, Daddy got a little mad this morning but it's OK now."

Just when I thought that this would blow over...she chimed in again,

"Yes, Mommy. Daddy bonked-ed his head on the kitchen chair and he got mad...and yelled at it...and then he KICKED it!"

Yep, I was toast. I've got a pretty good handle on the old Italian temper these days. Still, I was bent down, trying to fix a loose screw on the cast-iron chair when the phone rang, the doorbell rang, the baby started crying, and the dog started barking.

I jumped up and slammed the right side of my eye socket right into the cast-iron chair. For a moment, I thought I was going to have a black eye and I momentarily went a little ape.

I could tell that I had scared my three-year-old, though, so I immediately went over and told her I was sorry for yelling at the chair (no BAD words, thank goodness) and that I shouldn't have kicked it.

I also made sure she knew that I wasn't mad at her, that I had just gotten mad at that silly chair.

Eventually, the family had a good laugh about what is now known as 'the kitchen chair incident'.

For now, I am focusing on 'breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out'. :-)

Blogging Award!

My good friend The Sports Mama was kind enough to give me a blogging award.

Head on over to her "You Don't Have to Like Me" blog to check it out!

Three Girls & a Daddy

Now that our littlest one is three months old, my wife has gone back to work.

She works on Saturdays so this past Saturday was my first day ALONE with our girls...ten, three, and three months, for those playing along at home.

Now I admit, once her car pulled off, I had a brief Macaulay Culkin in "Home Alone" moment..."AAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

However, this quickly passed and changed over to a Southwest Airlines commercial...

"Don't...leave me...with...the baby!"

Once I settled down, I remembered that I had been through this before...it was just that before there were TWO girls and now there were THREE.

I began to wonder...could I really fix a pony tail, blow a nose, and change a poopy diaper all at the same time? Could I really fix an iPod AND get the Dora website unstuck WHILE holding a baby and a bottle full of breast milk?

Which reminds me...I have never been so careful not to spill something. I don't know why...it just doesn't seem right.

"Oh noooooo, there it goes....down the sink! NOOOOOO!"

And so the morning went.

"Dad?"

"Daddy?"

"WAAAAAAH!"

"Dad?"

"Daddy?"

"WAAAAAAH!"

I was becoming brainwashed. We went to a party that night. Someone introduced themselves to me. I replied,

"Yes, Hi, I'm Dad Daddywaaah. This is my wife Mom Mommygooo."

The morning was sort of a blur...but we survived. The next thing I knew, it was 2pm and the ten-year-old had gone off with her 'other' dad, the three-year-old was taking her nap, and the three-month-old was asleep in the swing.

Ahhhh. I could finally take a minute and relax on the couch.

I had just sat down when the dog came over to me and gave me that look...you know, the one where he's saying...

"Did you notice that I need to go out?"

Just then I heard the garage door open. Not a moment too soon, I thought.

"Tell it to the judge," I told him. "I'm off duty."

Template Crash

I had a nice little Blogger template crash today. It was really my own fault but, hey, now I get to try one of these new-fangled Blogger templates.

It looks just like the old one except that I lost every single thing I had in the other template.

Do me a favor, if I had a link to your site here, and it's gone now, remind me and I will put it back.

Well, off to restore everything I can. Good times.

Letters from Santa!

Hey, everyone. My older daughter came home from school told me about this website where you can send your kids an 'actual' letter from Santa that will arrive in the mail.

For about $10, it's a no-brainer...

So, just click here --> for Letters from Santa.

"Daddy, What's a 'Ho'?"

It was only a matter of time before my 10-year-old daughter came home from school one day and hit us with a bomb.

Yesterday, as we were sitting down to eat, she looked right at my wife and me and asked,

"What's a 'ho-house'?"

My first reaction was to just HOPE that our 3-year-old daughter wasn't paying attention. Words stick to that kid's brain like glue.

I could just see her playing with the grandparents one day...

"Look, Pop Pop...it's a HO-HOUSE!"

Anyway, my wife and I looked at each other and did our best to stifle a chuckle. My wife looked at me and whispered under her breath,

"I think I see a blog coming on."

Does she know me or what?

So, my daughter explained that one of her friends used this term at school and claimed that she didn't know what it meant...although, she DID substitute the 'proper' terminology later on in the discussion with no explanation as to how she knew the term.

My wife and I did our best to provide a straight-forward, yet slightly ambigous explanation.

I was relieved when about two minutes into it, my 10-year-old said,

"OK, OK...that's enough."

Thank goodness!

------------------

Post-script - My 3-year-old daughter came home from preschool today with her Thanksgiving crafts in hand. At school, she had to write down three things she was thankful for...and, from the home office, here are the results...

- My Mommy

- My Daddy

- My Bed

Smart kid.

She Rolled Over!

Our two-month-old rolled over yesterday! She is ahead of the game in MY book, granted, I'm a little biased.

Maybe there's hope that she won't pick up my procrastinating habits. I mean, really, I think I'm the only guy in the neighborhood that races down the driveway and HANDS our full garbage cans to the trash guys as they go by.

Now, I know, if you don't have kids, you might be thinking, "Heck, I roll over all the time."

For a two-month-old, however, this seems to take quite a lot of effort.

Her thought process seemed to go something like this...

"Laying on my stomach, laying on my stomach, laying on my stomach....OK, I've been doing this for two months...I'm in a rut...I need a little variety...

"Maybe if I PUSH really hard......I can try to.....maybe I can JUST....

"On second thought, my stomach isn't so bad. No, wait...this is BORING...I can DO this...

"I'll just PUSH again...here we go...here we go...

"Oh GREAT! Now, everyone is looking at me. What, you've never seen someone roll over before?? Sheesh.

"OK, here we go, here we go, here we go...I THINK I can, I THINK I can, I THINK I...

"WHOA!! I'm on my back! Everyone is clapping! WOW, this is GREAT! Laying on my back, laying on my back, laying on my back...

"OK, how do I get back onto my stomach?"

Ban on Hugging??

Please tell me this isn't happening...

MASCOUTAH, Ill. - Two hugs equals two days of detention for 13-year-old Megan Coulter. The eighth-grader was punished for violating a school policy banning public displays of affection when she hugged two friends Friday.

"I feel it is crazy," said Megan, who was to serve her second detention Tuesday after classes at Mascoutah Middle School.

"I was just giving them a hug goodbye for the weekend," she said.

Megan's mother, Melissa Coulter, said the embraces weren't even real hugs — just an arm around the shoulder and slight squeeze.

"It's hilarious to the point of ridicule," Coulter said. "I'm still dumbfounded that she's having to do this."

District Superintendent Sam McGowen said that he thinks the penalty is fair and that administrators in the school east of St. Louis were following policy in the student handbook.

It states: "Displays of affection should not occur on the school campus at any time. It is in poor taste, reflects poor judgment, and brings discredit to the school and to the persons involved."

Coulter said she and her husband told their daughter to go ahead and serve her detentions because the only other option was a day of suspension for each skipped detention.

"We don't agree with it, but I certainly don't want her to get in more trouble," Coulter said.

The couple plan to attend the next school board meeting to ask board members to consider rewording the policy or be more specific in what is considered a display of affection.

"I'm just hoping the school board will open their eyes and just realize that maybe they shouldn't be punishing us for hugs," Megan said.

Don't Crash, Daddy - Part II

Why is there a part II?

Because I had a conversation with my three-year-old this morning. As I was leaving for work, she once again said,

"Bye, Daddy! Don't crash!"

I said, "Sweetie, if you're worried about that, just try saying 'Drive carefully.'"

We practiced a few times. She had it down pat.

So I went to leave for work once again.

My daughter turned to me with a proud grin and said,

"Bye Daddy! Drive carefully!.....and don't crash!"

Back to the drawing board.

"Bye, Daddy. Don't Crash."

The 3-year-old mind is an interesting thing. My daughter was saying goodbye to me this morning as I left for work.

I now know what the 3-year-old version of "Drive carefully" is.

"Bye, Daddy. Don't crash."

This kid might need some medication when she grows up. :-)

Stupidest Thing Ever

OK, this isn't about fatherhood but you're not going to believe this one.

Far be it for me to say that America is getting dumber, but a friend of mine had a "going away" party yesterday for a lady at his office.

One of the supervisors called a Wal-Mart and ordered the cake.

He told them to write: "Best Wishes Suzanne" and underneath that write "We will miss you".

As the picture shows, it didn't quite turn out right. It was too funny not to keep it...

That WASN'T a Jellyfish!

OK, so we were watching this show on T.V. the other night, and this couple decided to have their baby in the ocean.

No, not AT the ocean...IN the ocean. Now there was a bunch of stuff leading up to this, of course.

They wanted to be one with the earth and all this romantic stuff....blah blah blah.

Then, they actually HAD their baby IN the ocean.

But wait...there's more! (said in my best, 70's, cheesy, game-show announcer voice)

THEN, as a tribute to the baby...they THREW the placenta INTO the ocean.

Let me say that again...

They threw the placenta...INTO the ocean!

Just think about that next time you think you see a 'jellyfish'.

Open..no wait, Closed

This is an actual photo from a store near our house.

This is exactly why there are so many confused people in America (note the sign)...

Five Terrifying Words

It must be getting close to Halloween. Scary things are happening.

Yesterday morning, just after I woke up, I was standing in the bathroom when my wife came up and asked me those five, terrifying little words...

"Notice anything different about me?"

I believe my internal reaction looked something like this...

Clean up the Language in Aisle Five

I was at the pharmacy tonight picking up a few things on the way home...boy, do I live life in the fast lane or what?...so anyway, I was picking up a few things when I overheard a couple in the next aisle.

The girl was swearing at the guy and the guy was swearing at the girl...real fun stuff like f-bombs and f-this, f-that, and f-you.

Now I didn't have my kids with me but I easily could have. I decided I was going to speak up and put a stop to this.

Just then I heard the girl say,

"You have been such a JERK ever since you got out of prison!"

On second thought, hey, this is the land of the free, right? :-)

Apple Siren: Red Alert!

Nothing says 'Fall' like a trip to the farm. Since it's now October, we decided to take our kids for a trip to the local farm. This has to be my favorite time of year...the colors, the smells, the cooler temperatures, the shorter days...

Of course, today it still hit about 91' here...not quite October weather yet.

Once we got to the farm, my 3-year-old daughter turned to me with a concerned look on her face and said,

"Daddy! We've got to get the apple siren!"

"The apple what??", I said.

"The apple S-I-R-E-N," she repeated.

"Well, I'm sorry," I replied, "I don't know what you mean."

She looked at me very intently and said,

"Mommy said, when we got here, we could get some apple siren to drink!"

"OH, you mean apple CIDER," I replied.

"YES, DADDY! Apple side-ren."

:-)

The Reflux - fl - fl - fl - fl - flux

(CAUTION: Bodily function humor below!)



(NO REALLY...it's gross)



(Are you sure you want to do this? You're not eating are you? OK, fine)



With all due respect to Duran Duran, do infants EVER keep anything down?

I was the first one up this morning and I heard our one-month-old cooing in her cradle. I picked her up and brought her face up to mine to say, "Good morning!"

Just then...BLLLEEEEEEEEECCCCCHHH!

Milk came spewing from her mouth, her nose, and any other orifice within close proximity.

Once little Linda Blair was done, I wiped off her face and then spent the next 10 minutes cleaning out my chest hair, my arm hair, my leg hair...

I was about to hop in the shower anyway but, for some reason, I didn't want THAT in the shower with me.

This has been happening over the last two weeks or so, so I really should have seen it coming but, first thing in the morning is not my best time of day.

For the next few days, I will be saying 'hello' like Bette Midler..."From a Distance"...

Out of the Mouths of Babes

As I was driving my 3-year-old daughter to the ice cream shop tonight, she looked at me and said,

"Daddy, how come you don't have that much hair?"

I almost wrecked the car I was laughing so hard.

Now, granted, I DID just get a haircut but my hair IS a little thinner than it used to be.

It reminded me of what it must be like to be three. There is no 'filter' that kicks in before things come spewing out their mouths.

I remember when my now 10-year-old was three. She looked at me, way back then, and said,

"Daddy, I think you have water in your hair."

She was, of course, referring to a few gray strands that had popped up over the years.

Now, that she's ten, her instincts are much better.

Why, just this summer, as I was laying on the beach, she said,

"Daddy, I think your bald spot is burning."

Progress.

Sleeping Position???

I fail to see how this could possibly be comfortable...

Explaining 'God' to a 3-Year-Old

It was bound to come up sooner or later. As we were driving to church this morning, my three-year-old daughter asked,

"Daddy, why do we have to go to church every Sunday?"

"Well, sweetie," I replied, "we need to go and thank God for all of the good things He has given us."

"Oh," she said, "has He been to our house?"

I could see where she was going. How ELSE would He give us those gifts if He hadn't been over, right?

"No," I replied, "well, actually yes. He's always at our house. God is everywhere, all at the same time."

She thought about this for a second.

"Well, how come we can't SEE God? How do we KNOW he's there?", she asked.

Damn good question. Three-year-olds do not do well with 'gray areas'.

"Well, we just know.", I said.

My 'cop out' detector then went off and I realized that she deserved a better answer.

"God is kind of invisible. We can't see Him, but He's everywhere. He gave us you and your sisters, and he gave you a good set of parents (well, most of the time anyway)."

"Oh," she replied, "well, do we have to give them back when we're done with them?"

"Give what back?", I asked.

"The GIFTS that He gave us," she said.

'Silly Daddy'...she must have been thinking.

"Oh, no, of course not," I said, "He just wants us to use our gifts and help other people with them."

Tick-tick-tick-tick...

"Oh.....OK, Daddy." she said.

Whew. Made it. It's Miller Time!

see also...

801 Questions Kids Ask about God

"Daddy says it LOUDER"

My wife just handed me today's "Family Circus" cartoon with a wink and a nod. After reading it, I can see why...


"You say 'Stop that' more than Daddy, but HE says it LOUDER."

True. How true.

"Holy Crap!"

Our one-month-old has officially hit that point where she is able to focus her eyes and actually SEE things.

How can we tell this? She will search around the room for a few minutes, then focus on us, then her eyes will just as big as satellite dishes.

I imagine her thought process goes something like this...

"Looking around, looking around...

Sucking my thumb, sucking my thumb...

Pants are wet, pants are wet...

Staring at the ceiling, staring at the ceiling...

Something in front of me, something in front of me...

HOLY CRAP! It's THAT guy! Who IS that guy?"

Pretty entertaining.

Top Things We've Learned from Our Kids

1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing 'Pound Puppy' underwear and a 'Superman' cape.

2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20-by-20-foot room.

3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

5. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year-old-man says they can only do it in the movies.

6. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.

7. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

8. Some things will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old that you'd imagine would remain in him or her.

9. 'Super Glue' is forever.

10. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

11. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

12. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

13. VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

14. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

15. The fire department has at least a 5 minute response time.

16. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

17. It will however make cats dizzy.

18. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Ready for more?

Nobody's Prefect

Actual listing I just spotted in a 'chamber of commerce' directory in my town...

--------------------------
KELLER WILLIAMS REALTY
Remarkable Real Estate Company
"Signature of Excellance"
--------------------------

Hello? Proof-reader, anyone?

Pee in 'Playland'

We took our three-year-old to McDonald's tonight to play in the 'Playland' while our ten-year-old went to soccer practice.

This 'Playland' was the kind where the kids climb up into giant tubes, crawl around, and come down the tube slide...well, ideally they come DOWN the slide but about half the kids there were also climbing UP the slide and getting knocked on their butts when the other half of the kids came DOWN the slide.

Either way, you basically have to be Gumby to climb around up in those tubes.

About ten minutes after we got there, some mom announced to everyone that her kid had had an accident up in the top of the tubes. A wave of stunned silence came over the crowd.

How would you like to be the poor McDonald's sap that has to climb up into those tubes and clean that up before an avalanche of pee comes cascading down onto the other kids?

Apparently, the folks at Mickey Dee's weren't too keen on it either because after thirty minutes, no one had 'stepped up'.

I'll bet you're going to wonder about it the next time you take YOUR kid to 'Playland'.

The 10 Laws of Parenting

I can tell you from first-hand experience that these are all true:

1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.

2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.

3. Toys multiply to fill any space available.

4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.

5. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.

6. If the shoe fits...it's expensive.

7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.

8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.

9. Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.

10. The more challenging the child, the more rewarding it is to be a parent...sometimes.

"Look, Daddy!"

At bath-time tonight, my three-year-old called me over to the tub.

"Look, Daddy!", she said, sticking out her hand.

"I thought I told you not to bring the Play-Doh upstairs.", I said.

"No, Daddy, it's a BOOGER!"

Tums, anyone?

10 Things Your Kids Will Never Say

10. My room is all clean. Want me to help you with yours?

9. I don't need anymore clothes, thanks.

8. All my friends are doing it. That's why I chose not to.

7. I'd rather stay home and keep you company this Friday.

6. My little brother/sister is the most special person in the world.

5. No, don't get up...I'll get it.

4. You use the car. I'll take the bus.

3. Mom, do you like what I'm wearing?

2. I stopped dating him/her because I knew you didn't approve.

...and the Number One thing your kids will never say...



1. Mom, you give me too much allowance.

Mulch Madness!

We had two, one-ton bags of rubber tire mulch delivered last week for our new Rainbow Playset. I did not know that it was going to be delivered in one-ton bags. This made things quite difficult.

In order to spread the mulch, first I had to tip over the bags.

Imaging going 'elephant-tipping', and you will have an idea of what this was like. The immovable object meeting....well....me.

Why not 10 or 20 smaller bags? Actually, it turns out that this was an option...just much more expensive.

When I came home from work, the giant bags were waiting for me.

We spent the better part of two days shoveling the mulch out and spreading it around. My back feels like it felt after last year's blizzard.

At least now I know that, if my kids fall off the playset, they will be landing on recycled tires.

Comforting.

Kid-Filled Day

My ears are still ringing. First it was a Saturday morning trip to the playground with my wife, our three-year-old, our one-month-old, my sister-in-law, her almost-two-year-old, my sister-in-law's best friends, and their ten-month-old.

Thank goodness I had a "Snugli". Those things come in handy. I strapped my one-month-old into the "Snugli", put it on, and she was happy as a bug in a rug...until it started raining.

Talk about pandemonium. But wait...there's more.

Then it was a trip to my cousin's house for HER daughter's 1st birthday party. This one had the potential to be dicey because she had hired a clown. My three-year-old has developed a clown phobia of sorts. If you get her near a clown, believe me, that is NOT a room you want to be in.

Luckily, this 'clown' was not really dressed up very much and it was a SHE, which I think helps.

As it turns out, my daughter got her face painted like a 'kitty cat'. She also got a "Dora the Explorer" temporary tattoo.

Almost makes missing nap-time worthwhile, don't you think?

'Wood' You Believe It?

I got wood! I got wood! Wait, let me rephrase that. What I mean to say is...after all that joking about our 5-year anniversary yesterday, my wife DID get me a tree...well, US, a tree.

She took me outside to the side of the house and there was a weeping Japanese cherry something-or-other that was about 5 years old (how appropriate).

Now 'we can watch it age throughout our many years in this house'.

Looks like I found a new place to hang my hammock! :-)

THAT Guy....plus....5 Years?

The baby recognizes me. She just turned one month old on Saturday and already she's starting to figure out who we are.

It must be tough to be that little and not have the ability to tell people what's bothering you.

Crappy diaper = "WAAAH!"
Hungry = "WAAAH!"
Tired = "WAAAH!"
Lonely = "WAAAH!"
Upset stomach = "WAAAH!"
Scared = "WAAAH!"

She used to look at us as though we were inanimate objects. NOW, though, she recognizes SuperDad's alter-ego.

Yesterday, she looked at me and the corner of her mouth turned up into half a smile as though she realized it was....

THAT guy!

"Hey, I know THAT guy! Let me think. Do I get milk from his boobs? No. Does he lick my face? No, that's the furry guy. Ooooooh, it's funny face guy! Watch this...here he goes. YES! That's it, it's funny face guy!"

That's about my only claim to fame at this point. My wife is the one waking up with her in the middle of the night. She's taken the time off from work and she's doing the feeding.

Really, this blog should be about SuperMOM because I don't know how she does it. She gets the kids ready for school, takes care of the baby, whisks one kid to soccer, the other to dance, and keepsng the baby from starving...all on about 5 hours of sleep.

Me, I don't even like having to wake up in the middle of the night to pee, let alone having to feed some screaming person.

So today, I've been married to SuperMom for five years. It's been five wonderful years. Where does the time go?

Do you know what the five year anniversary gift is? Wood. Seriously, it's wood. Who created this list?

"I know. How about for 10 years we make it aluminum foil! Have some Saran Wrap honey!"

Actually that could get you killed.

So it's wood. I guess mornings don't count. I'm thinking tree.

It's been five wonderful years, three kids down and none to go...but that's a story for NEXT time.

Happy Anniversary, Honey! 333

"Come and Get It!"

I stumbled across this at the local SuperFresh tonight. Now, maybe I'm a little nuts, but I think this would be hard sell.

We have enough trouble getting the kids to the dinner table. Is this what the "Cook's", crack marketing team came up with (no pun intended)? Sheesh!

...Until You Change Your Mind

My 3-year-old has taught me another crucial social skill. The other day, I was working on a project on the computer for one of my clients when she came over and asked...

"Daddy, do you want to play with me?"

I hesitated for a moment, because I really did want to, but said,

"Sweetie, I would love to but I have to finish this project for work. Maybe we can find some time to play today after dinner."

She mulled this answer over for a second or two and then said, with a completely straight face,

"OK, Daddy...well, I will just wait right here until you change your mind."

My wife looked at me and we spontaneously burst into laughter.

What if I could use this tactic in everyday life??
...cue dayream sequence music here...

AT WORK...

Me:
"So you see, boss, this is why my idea will work. What do you think?"

Boss:
"Well, perhaps we can look into that at a later date."

Me:
"OK, well, I will just wait right here in your office until you change your mind."

WITH CLIENTS...

Me:
"So, in looking at the figures, it seems to make sense for you to refinance your mortgage now and at this rate. What do you think?"

Client:
"Well, I'm just not sure. Maybe I'll talk it over with my spouse and get back to you in a few weeks."

Me:
"OK, well, I will just wait here on the line until you change your mind."

OUT WITH THE FAMILY...

Me:
"...and you forgot the fries AND the chicken tenders so I think you should give us our money back."

Order Taker:
"Well, we threw in a free cookie for the inconvenience. Have a nice day."

Me:
"OK, well, I will just wait right here until you change your mind."

As you can see, the possibilities are endless. Oh, and by the way, guess who ended up playing that day? :-)

P.S. - For everyone wondering about the baby...she's GREAT! She's only waking up 2 - 3 times per night and she's OFF the biliblanket! She's now a fully portable baby! Whew.

See? Sleeping's Not So Bad!

It looks like our new, little bundle of joy has finally figured it out! She's less than 2 weeks old and she's already ALMOST sleeping through the night.

The last few nights, in fact, she's only woken up once or twice. Looks like she's finally figured out that day time is for playing, and night time is for sleeping.

She's also managed to find her thumb to suck on which has to be some kind of record. As I write this, she is in her swing looking at me like, "Who is that big guy in front of that big, glowing thing?"

In other baby news, her bilirubin count was finally starting to DECREASE on Friday. My wife will take her back to the doctor today to see if we can unhook her from this blanket yet.

For all of last week and the weekend, she had to stay wrapped in a 'biliblanket' which plugs into the wall and emits this bright, blue light. She's been looking kind of like baby Superman on planet Krypton in the 70's film.

We are hoping that we can unhook her today so that my wife can finally get out of the house!

How long until the kids go back to school?? "It's the most...wonderful time......of the year!" I love Fall!

Home Sweet Home

Quick update to yesterday's post...as of this evening, mother and baby are finally back home! Our little girl will be wrapped in a 'bili blanket' for the next 4 or 5 days, but this sure beats the unit they had her in at the hospital.

All's well that ends well...let's just hope things continue to go smoothly.

She's Here...and She's Back!

Well, daughter number three decided to surprise us all and arrive a few days early.

My wife decided to leave work at lunchtime on Tuesday because she wasn't feeling very good. She told me to stay close to the phone. Sure enough, around 4pm she told me that I should leave the office and get home to pack up my things.

I broke about 14 major traffic laws and made it home from work in 10 minutes flat. We packed, went to the hospital, got my wife examined, and they told us 'this is not a drill'.

After about 7 hours of labor, it was time to start pushing. My wife pushed for about an hour when suddenly, out popped a head, facing straight up at me...as if to say, "WAAAZZZZAAAAPPPPP????"

This really took me by surprise. When my second daughter was born, she came out face down and it was quick! THIS little girl's head was face up, and she lingered there for a minute before the doc pulled her all the way out. That visual is going to stay with me for a long time.

She was born at 1:33am on Wednesday morning, weighing in at 6 pounds, 15 ounces.

On Thursday evening, we went home. There have been two times in my life when I drove like a little, old man. The first time was when we drove my second daughter home from the hospital three and a half years ago. The second time was Thursday evening (my 10-year-old is my step-daughter, don't forget).

Anyway, after almost two days at home, we took our new addition to the doctor today for a 'quick checkup'. They told us to pack up and head right back to the hospital.

It seems that her bilirubin count is way up and she has 'newborn jaundice'. We took her to the hospital and they now have her 'under the lights'.

She and my wife will probably be there until Monday or Tuesday so, while her arrival at home was short-lived, we will be looking forward even more to her quick & healthy return!

The Great Sniffix

It seems that my 10-year-old daughter doesn't want to be out-done by my 3-year-old (see previous post).

Last week my parents came over to babysit for a while. My 10-year-old decided she wanted to do one of her favorite things with them...play teacher!

As my parents sat down in their 'classroom seats', my 10-year-old said,

"Today, students, we will learn about the great sniffix."

"Sniffix?", my parents asked.

"Yes...sniffix.", my daughter replied.

"Sniffix??"

"Yes! Sniffix!"

"Um, excuse me...", my parents asked. "What exactly is a 'sniffix'?"

My daughter replied, "You know, it's that big thing in, like, Egypt, that kind of looks like a dog or something?"

I imagine that, at this point, a giant, cartoon image of a light bulb appeared over my parents' heads.

"OOOOH, do you mean....The Sphinx??", they asked.

"YES! The Sphinx!", my daughter replied. "Is THAT how you say that?!"

My parents were laughing so hard while relaying this story to me, it took 30 minutes just to get the above sequence of events out of them.

I can't say I blame 'em. Sniffix! Maybe we just stumbled upon the next big name in tissue products!

Toddlerisms

Last night my 3-year-old daughter got out of the bathtub, got into her pajamas and, in a very concerned state, said...

"DADDY! We forgot the air conditioner!"

"The what?", I replied.

"The air conditioner!", she repeated, really trying her best to clarify things.

"I don't know what you mean.", I said. "The air conditioning has been on all day."

"No, Daddy! The AIR conditioner...so my hair doesn't get all tangled up!"

"OH...the HAIR conditioner!", I exclaimed.

"Yes, the HAIR conditioner, Daddy!", she said triumphantly.

English. How did we ever learn such a confusing language? :-)

T minus 24 days to new baby and counting...

T Minus 30 Days and Counting

We have officially hit the home stretch (no pun intended). With an official due date of 8/30, we are now, at most, 30 days away from having another kid in the house.

The contractions have been coming pretty regularly for about a week now so I'll be surprised if we make it to 8/30. I'm glad we decided to have a third child so I could witness this amazing transformation one more time.

This baby is active, too. My wife's stomach now looks like a package of "Jiffy Pop" that's been sitting on the stove too long. POW! BANG! POP! BOOM! ROOOOOOLL! KABOOM!

Remember that old Pepto Bismol commercial where the guy is sitting miserably on the couch and there's a war going on inside his stomach? That's what it looks like.

It's also pretty cute watching my 3-year-old talk to my wife's belly.

"Helloooooo, little sister...it's me...your BIG sister!"

Our two daughters were each born in December so this is really the first time that my wife has been 9 months pregnant in the summertime. This is not fun...especially here in our little sauna of a town where the humidity is often worse than the heat.

I've decided that the only way I could possibly empathize is to strap a watermelon to my stomach for a month or so. After thinking through the logistics of this plan, however, I decided not to try it (darn!).

My wife has a checkup today so I'm anxiously awaiting to hear whether we're still going to go all the way to 40 weeks or not. We'll see.

She asked me the other day, "Do I look bigger than last time?"

This sent a cold shiver up my spine. There's really no right answer to this question.

"No" would indicate that it's time to start worrying if something is wrong with the baby.

"Yes"...well..."Yes" just doesn't feel like the right answer either. "Boy, I NEVER thought you could top last time! Was I wrong or what??"

I gave the only answer I could think of...

"You know, honey, I really don't remember."

Three Days of Chaos in the Sun

Another summer, another family vacation. We took a shorter trip than usual this year since my wife is pregnant. We stayed at a house that my parents had rented at the beach for the week.

This means that we crammed all of the chaos and craziness of an entire week into 3 short days at the beach with my parents and my younger brother. It had been years since we took a trip with my parents so it was fun to do so again and just enjoy spending time together. As for my brother, once we start hanging out, suddenly we're 10-years-old again, doing all that stuff that brothers do.

My family had fun too during our shortened, mini-vacation. Let's review, shall we?

DAY 1:

My wife, who is eight months pregnant, catches an upper respiratory infection. She's miserable. We just got back from the trip yesterday and she's already been to Patient First (6pm) and then the E.R. (3am) to fix everything that Patient First screwed up. Keep up the great work, Patient First.

DAY 2:

My 10-year-old daughter wipes out in the waves on her boogie-board. She hits so hard that she cracks the board in half and runs out of the water with blood gushing out of her nose. This prompts a Baywatch-like sprint from myself AND from the lifeguard on duty. We check her out. She's okay but done for the day. Dude, nice wave!

DAY 3:

We check out, pack the minivan (hey, it's my wife's), and make the 3-hour trip back home. We unpack and suddenly I realize that I left my PDA (basically my Blackberry, for those of you who are technologically challenged) on TOP of the minivan when we left the beach house. We suddenly recall hearing a THUMP when we pulled out onto the highway. At the time, I had calmly reassured my 10-year-old that the luggage was just settling in the back of the minivan. Oops.

I figured that my PDA was toast by now...either cracked open on the side of the road or run over. I considered calling my relatives who live at the beach to see if they could scour the highway before it got dark. Suddenly, my cell phone rang. Someone had seen it lying on the highway, stopped, opened it, and saw my phone number! It was in tact!

I don't know if you believe in small miracles but I do. This person is my new hero. She is supposed to call me back today to get my address. Hopefully, she follows through, but this story is already unbelievable.

I can't wait to do it all again next year with ANOTHER kid added to the mix! Surf's up!

Sales Lessons from My Kids

My daughters have only been in this world for a combined 13 short years and already they are teaching ME, more than I am teaching them. They are teaching me that persistence is the most effective way to get something done.

I'm actually thinking of hiring them. I am a mortgage lender in the 'real world'. I imagine that if one of my daughters was to make a sales call for me, this is what it would sound like:

[RING]

"Hello?"

"Hi, Mr. Jones, my daddy says you want to refinance your mortgage. How can I help you?"

"Well, I'm not quite ready to discuss this just yet. I need to talk to my wife first. Give me some time to discuss it with her."

"Okay. Bye."

[CLICK]

Five minutes later

[RING]

"Hello?"

"Hi, Mr. Jones. NOW are you ready to talk about your mortgage?"

"As I said, I need some time to talk it over with my wife. Thank you."

"Okay. Bye bye."

[CLICK]

Five minutes later

[RING]

"Yes?"

"Mr. Jones, I really, really want to talk about your mortgage wif you."

"No, not right now, young lady!"

"No, no, no, NOW you say 'YES'!"

"Excuse me?"

"Now you say, 'Yes, I DO want to talk about my mortgage'."

"Young lady, I need to speak to my wife first, BEFORE I discuss my mortgage with you."

"She said, 'YES!'"

"Excuse me, missy?"

"She said, 'YES, YES!'"

"Young lady, my wife is at work...and you don't even know where that is."

"I DO know where that is and she said 'YES'!"

"Not right now, young lady. Goodbye!"

[CLICK]

Five minutes later

[RING]

"This better not be who I think it is."

Talking off in the distance

"I really wish Mr. Jones would talk to me about his mortgage."

"Young lady?"

"Boy, I REALLY want Mr. Jones to talk about his mortgage wif me."

"Now listen, young lady, this is ridiculous! We are NOT talking about my mortgage right now!"

"PLEEEEEEEASE? I REEEEEALLY want to."

(sighs)
"Fine. Call back in an hour. My wife will be home then."

"Thirty minutes."

"WHAT???"

"I'll call back in thirty minutes."

"Now look here. I agreed to talk about my mortgage with you. Just call back in ONE HOUR."

"Twenty minutes."

"Young lady, you are NOT to call back here in twenty minutes, or you will be in BIG trouble. Don't make me come over there!"

"OK, fine, I'll call back in thirty minutes."

"Fine!"

"Fine. OK, thank you, Mr. Jones!"

Fathers Day Reflections

As another Fathers Day passes by, I wonder about the kinds of things my kids will remember about me. What memories will make them laugh, cry, snort milk out their nose, etc?

Will it be Daddy singing at chuch every Sunday? Will it be taking a minute to play 'tea party' before leaving for work, even though I'm already running late? Piggyback rides in the pool? Riding along on the back of my bicycle? Going to see WWE Smackdown live and in person? Going to the beach? The first time I called my 10-year-old on her new cell phone (ugh)?

This is an excellent time to recount some of the things that I have learned from MY father:

- Do what you say you're going to do.

There were many summer 'temp' jobs that I didn't like. There were many times that I didn't feel like going to Little League. Still, I kept going because I said I would and the team was counting on me. Come to think of it, I think I've only ever had two sick days in my life. Watch out, Cal!

- Never tease or make fun of someone for something that they can't help (or control).

This speaks for itself.

- Never 'ride the clutch'.

My dad taught me to drive on a manual transmission (stick-shift). This has proven to be an invaluable skill and many people just don't know how to do it. I never knew any other way for the first 5 years or so of my driving career.

When he was teaching me to drive a stick, he would notice whenever I didn't take my foot all the way off of the clutch. Dad would gently whack me on the arm repeatedly saying, "Get your foot off the clutch, get your foot off the clutch, get your foot off the clutch." As you may know, leaving your foot resting on the clutch is a pretty good way to wear it out more quickly...and they are not cheap.

Whenever I was out driving by myself, if I left my foot on the clutch I would subconsciously feel this whacking sensation on my arm and I would come right off of it.

I think I had my first car, a Jetta, for about 10 years. As I recall, it only ever needed one new clutch.

- "THE BALL"

Whenever I was in a particularly bad hitting slump (which seemed to be quite often...hey, there's a reason I'm a banker and not a ballplayer), my dad would take me out to the diamond and we would have hitting practice.

He would pitch and tell me to 'focus on THE BALL'. At that moment, when I was up at the plate, nothing else in the world mattered...just THE BALL. Not the pitcher, not my teammates, not the state of the global economy, just THE BALL. Don't take your eye off of it until your bat hits it. Just THE BALL.

A good lesson, not only for baseball but for life in general.

- "You don't have to KNOW what you're doing, you just have to ACT LIKE you know what you're doing."

In other words, be confident in yourself and people will follow you. I have started reading "The Little Engine That Could" to my daughters for this very reason. It's not just a children's book, it's a lesson about life.

Of course, you do have to have a little knowledge at some point but as the great Yogi Berra said, "Half the game is 90% mental."

- Police officers should always wear reflective gear at night.

On second thought, I think I'll leave this one alone...before I'm 'struck down'.

- It's not so much yourself that you have to worry about, it's the other maniacs out there.

True, not only when driving but in every aspect of life.

- How to change a flat tire.

This lesson came about when I first started driving and took a curve too fast in the rain. BOOM - right into the curb, blowing out the tire...and the axel, and the frame, and...well, you get the idea.

I had to call home and tell my mom who then had to call my dad at work...much to my dismay.

I knew I was in trouble when dad came flying up the wrong way on a one-way street, screeched to a stop, checked to make sure I was uninjured, then said,

"Nice work, son. Change the tire."

Whew. I think I had to go home and change my underwear. This would have been much less traumatic if my dad hadn't been in the car with me just the day before telling me that I was driving too fast in the rain. Dads...what do they know anyway?

- When to 'rescue' and when to 'give space'.

Junior prom. Nervous as hell. Got to the dance with my date. Had a great time. Went to leave. Realized I had locked the keys in the car.

Called dad. He drove down with the spare keys. The garage attendant took me (alone) to my car and told me that the car had drifted out to the middle of the garage. He had pushed it back into its space.

I was apparently so nervous when I got there, I left the keys in the ignition when I locked the doors AND I had left the parking brake off without realizing it.

Since it was now after midnight and I was going to be driving after the provisional license curfew of midnight, Dad followed us back to my girlfriend's house...but waited about a block or two away while I walked her to her front door.

- "Be smart, and if you're going to be dumb...be smart about it."

Fatherly advice as I began my Freshman year of college. It would be my first time living away from home, surrounded by plenty of distractions (college parties, girls, etc). Good advice.


Well, I could go on all day, but I am being summoned to the bathroom by my 3-year-old.

"Daaaaaddy, I neeeeed you. I had a poooopie."

I wonder if they will remember this part.

Keep Your Butt in School

I can only hope that my kids do not turn out like this...

Excerpts from Actual Resumes

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"OBJECTIVE: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis."

"OBJECTIVE: Total obliteration of sales and federal income taxes and tax laws."

"OBJECTION: To use my skills in sales."

"Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts."

"I have a bachelorette degree in computers."

"EDUCATION: College, August 1880 - May 1984"

"Completed 11 years of high school."

"Finished eighth in my class of ten."

"Graduated in the top 66% of my class."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."

"Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years."

"Previous experience: Self-employed - a fiasco."

"Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

"Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math."

"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business."

"I am quick at typing, about 25 words per minute."

"English (fluent)"

"Typing speed: 756 words per minute."

"Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word 'paranoia'. I prefer to elaborate privately."

"Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45am every morning. Could not work under those conditions."

"I procrastinate, especially when the task in unpleasant."

"My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend."

"Personal interests: Donating blood - 14 gallons so far!"

"REFERENCES: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

Cookouts, Lawn Mowers, & Birds, Oh My

Summer must be in the air. We spent the weekend going to cookouts and doing yard work. Yes, it just wouldn't be May without some form of dead animal on my plate. We had the usual cookout fare of burgers (cow) and hot dogs (don't ask). My 3-year-old, of course, loves hot dogs. We just try not to think about what's in them and just be glad that she's eating meat.

It reminds me of the old line from Meatballs..."The winner of today's mystery meat contest is...Jimmy, who guessed 'some type of meat'."

We also spent the weekend doing some yard work. My wife was nice enough to surprise me with a lawn service this year. My hours are so crazy that it's hard to know when I will be able to mow the lawn.

These guys will come every other week and mow the lawn. Of course, they will not mow it if the lawn is too long. I mean, hey, they're professionals so why should they mess with long grass, right? So yesterday, I went out and mowed the lawn so that my lawn service would come out and mow the lawn on Wednesday. This ranks right up there with my wife's practice of cleaning the house before the cleaning people come. At least the lawn service does the edging. Regardless, I think we'll be switching to a weekly service or find someone that will do it every 10 days.

We also set up a bird-feeder this year. Birds are really a lot of fun to watch. They will wrestle and fight over the seed, as if there wasn't a whole feeder full of it sitting right in front of them.

I see that I'm not alone in this hobby. Our 'cookout friends' also had feeders set up. It's interesting...when I was younger I would discuss things like rock groups, how much we partied the night before, etc. Now we're discussing what varieties of birds are in our back yards.

There are really only three big down-sides to having a bird feeder. First, my yard is full of squirrels. We bought this stuff called 'Squirrel Away' which is a spicy powder that you can add to the seed. This stuff makes Jalapeno look like cotton candy. The birds don't seem to mind it. Apparently, spices only affect mammals.

Second, the railings on my deck are covered with bird droppings. This is a really logical after-effect of the birds eating all that seed...one that I didn't foresee, however. Boy, it's fun wiping down the deck.

Third, it's a funny thing about bird seed. It's actual seed. I learned that hanging the bird feeder over mulch is a bad idea. The spill-over seed lands in the mulch and becomes a very resistant form of weed. I spent the weekend 'turning over' the garden since a bottle of RoundUp didn't even kill this stuff.

We also spread an organic weed killer over the seeds that hadn't sprouted yet. Apparaently, organic means "tastes like dog food" because our dog ate most of it as soon as he went outside. We realized this only after he vomited all over our living room. Fortunately, he's fine, which probably explains why the weeds were still there a few days later. I have since moved our bird feeder.

So, what would summertime be without burgers, yard work, and birds? A lot more relaxing, apparently.

See you next time.

P.S. - I was driving to work today and saw this bumper sticker...

"FOLLOW ME, CHICKENS. I'M FULL OF CORN."

If my brain explodes today, it's because I'm trying to figure this out. Help! Anyone???

Odds & Ends

A few poignant thoughts as I drift through the week...

- "Baby Names"

OK, we've got it down to two names. If we don't decide soon, I'm going to hang a dart board on the wall, put a name on each half, blindfold myself, and fire away.

- "How 'Bout Those O's?"

Are they really as good as they look right now? Once we get into our bullpen, we're money. Our upcoming series vs. the Red Sox should shed more light.

- "LOST"

It's back! I don't just mean the show is back. It's been back on for a while but the new episodes were worse than the third season of the original Star Trek...we're talking 'Spock's Brain'-bad. Now the shows are kick-butt! It's been one jaw-dropper after another.

- "Diet Coke Plus"

OK, come on. Really. Diet Coke with vitamins? Caffeine, Nutra-Sweet...hey, let's add some vitamins. What the heck is that? Now we have Diet Coke, Diet Coke with Splenda, Caffeine Free Diet Coke, Coke Zero, Coke Black (or "Blak"), C2, Diet Coke with Lime, Diet Coke with Lemon (or 'Pledge Coke' as we like to call it), Cherry Coke, Diet Cherry Coke, Vanilla Coke, and Diet Vanilla Coke. Did I miss any? At what point does Coke realize that it has over-saturated the market?

- "WWE"

We've got our tickets! I'm taking my 10-year-old in May to see THE UNDERTAKER! We can't wait.

Stay tuned for further bulletins as events warrant. Film at 11. Equal Housing Lender. Member FDIC. Equal Opportunity Employer. Do not point directly at eyes. Batteries Not Included. Some Assembly Required.

IT'S A.....

SPOILER ALERT....CAUTION....SPOILER ALERT....CAUTION

Some family members have stated that they do not want to know the gender of our baby. While it will be virtually impossible to make it through the next several months without finding out somehow, be forewarned...this blog is about the GENDER...scroll down......
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GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, this SuperDad will have 3 little 'daddy's girls'. Well, Marissa is not so little these days. Her 'other dad' is over 6 feet tall. Soon she will be looking down at me going,

"Are you talkin' to me? Are you talkin' to ME?"

Anyway, Sophia was very happy with this news because she really wanted a "baby thithter." (not making fun...just extremely cute the way she says this)

During the sonogram, the baby even seemed to turn and 'look' at us. This was extremely cool, if not a little creepy. I half-expected that little alien-looking face to say, "Phone home...phone home!"

She also seemed to kind of wave at us...just like Sophia did when we had HER sonogram.

It was almost as if she was saying, "I know you're looking at me...what is this? Some kind of zoo? I don't even have any clothes on!"

So everyone is asking, "Are you disappointed?" Would I have liked for there to be a stem on the old apple? Am I worried about the family name?

Maybe, on some level, a little part of me wanted to raise a little boy. The more I play with Sophia, though, I realize that a little piece of me will always live on...whether the last name the same or not.

I'm going to have three little 'daddy's girls'...and I couldn't be happier.

Now it's time to decide on a NAME. I'm thinking maybe, Gertrude.

T-Minus 5 Months and Counting

The reality is starting to sink in now. There will be another living, breathing human being in our house by the time Fall rolls around. In just 3 or 4 weeks we will get to see whether God "put the stem on the apple".

Of course, we will just be happy to have a healthy baby but I can't help but wonder what's in there. I know that my 'little' brother is hoping for a boy to take off some of 'the heat', as he calls it.

For that matter, we were beginning to wonder how MANY kids were in there. The doctor reassured us that there is only one baby. We were getting worried, though. I guess once a woman is getting ready for her third baby, her body just says, "Look, we've all been through this before...get into position, everyone!" BOOM!

The late-night cravings are fun too. Tonight I ran down to the store and got a couple of "Shivers"...one with Oreo (for her) and one with m&m's (for me). I now feel like I need to run a few laps around the house. My arteries are begging for mercy.

We're only at 4 months and the snoring has already kicked in. Of course, I have absolutely no room to talk. I often could pass for a small motorboat in the middle of the night. I've tried the sprays, the humidifiers, the nasal strips (did anyone actually try to SLEEP with one of those on their nose before they started marketing them??). Doesn't matter...I still snore.

I come by it honestly, though. My father is the loudest snorer on the planet. When I was a kid, I would sneak out of my bedroom, close my parents' bedroom door, close my bedroom door (which was at the other end of the hall), put a pillow over my head, and I could STILL hear dad snoring. It was like in the old cartoons where the guy inhales and the curtains gets sucked into his mouth.

I remember one time when he fell asleep on the couch in the family room in front of the T.V. He snored so loudly that he jumped about a foot.

"What was THAT?", he said.

"Some guy just ran through the house with a chainsaw, Dad."

From my mother, I inherited an even better trait. I often seem to shout in my sleep for no apparent reason. Well, for no reason that's apparent to my wife. I could tell you exactly what I'm yelling at in my dream.

The other night, I snuggled up close to my wife in my sleep and let out a nice, romantic, "AAARRRRGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!"

Trust me, you have never seen a pregnant woman jump like that. I sort of half woke myself up and we laughed for a good 10 minutes before we fell back asleep.

The poor kid in her belly probably wanted out right then and there. We're lucky that I haven't woken up the kids...although I do seem to yell out their names in my sleep. I guess they don't listen to me in my dreams either.

SuperDad Goes for Triple Play

It's been an exciting week. My wife and I are proud to announce that we're going for the 'hat trick'. Yes, we're having baby #3. My wife is now about 3 months along, meaning that we'll be expecting our bouncing-baby-something around August 30.

On Monday morning, we went and heard the heartbeat for the first time. We took our 3-year-old daughter with us who was pretty confused.

"It sounds like a train, Daddy."

"Daddy, am I going to be a big brother or a big sister?"

One of my friends was joking with me and asking me if I was ready to have to have more baby food spilled on me. This friend has no children.

I reminded him that I've already raised TWO kids. Over the past few years, I've been burped on, peed on, pooped on, puked on, coughed on, 'tooted' on, and sneezed on. A little spilled baby food? Please.

Bring on round three!