Sunday, April 20, 2008

"That is One Big Pile of....."

Well, the lawns in this town should be pretty green this summer, if the level of fertilizer output from my kids this month is any indication.

While my wife was at work yesterday, there was a rare, brief lull in the action so I thought I would fill in a few frames of the Saturday crossword puzzle. I don't know what it's like where you live, but around here, the Saturday puzzle is pretty much reserved for nuclear physicists and people who have memorized all of the rivers and mountains in Russia. Why these crossword authors think anyone will remember the name of Samantha's cousin on "Bewitched" is beyond me. How about a "Family Guy" crossword? Now that I could finish.

Anyway, I sat down for a brief intermission when I noticed that our 8-month-old had that familiar bright red glow about her. I gave it a second, took a sniff, and sure enough, the Cracker Jacks box suddenly had a prize in it.

I gave her a few minutes to finish up (I mean really, who likes to get right up? You have to savor the moment a bit.), and took her upstairs for a fresh diaper. I don't know why, but when I changer her, she seems to look at me with this look that says, "Yeah, who's holding the poop NOW?"

So we get her all cleaned up. I came back downstairs to try and figure out what James I and Charles I had in common (my guess...they both have "I" in their names).

Just then, the 4-year-old calls my name from afar...


"Yes?", I reply.

"I'm finished!", she says.

"Finished what?", I ask.



"Better take care of it.", I say optimistically.

"No, you better help this time.", she says.

[This can't be good] I'm thinking.

OK, I've now taken care of number two number two (that's NOT a typo). Finally. Now I need a five-letter word for a banana liquer drink frozen over ice.

Just then I look over and see that our 8-month-old has that familiar bright red glow about her.

Great, if I've got to be in the sequel to "Groundhog Day", why did the universe have to pick THIS particular 15-minute period for me to relive over and over again? Diapers are expensive. Enjoy it for a while, kiddo.

P.S. - My favorite line of the day...

"Daddy, guess what I just sneezed out of my mouth?"

Boy, I wonder if I can coax it out of her...

"What would that be, sweetie?", I replied.

"A banana!"

Is this a knock-knock joke?

Kids Say the Darndest Things

Just when it seems like nothing funny will ever happen again and my blog will die off, my kids come to the rescue.

As I was getting ready for work last week, my four-year-old girl came up to me and asked,

"Daddy, will you put fingernail polish on my nails?"

Hmmm...SuperDad does not recognize this alien terminology. What is this pol-ish of which she speaks? Apparently, she hasn't read the Daddy manual that says I am the one to teach about football, car parts, and bodily functions. Luckily, SuperMom bailed me out of this one.

Then came Saturday. Saturdays are always entertaining as my wife works and I am home with the girls. As the four-year-old was playing by herself in the playroom, I heard a sneeze followed by, "Bless myself!"

Yes, that's the way it works isn't it? Why not?
Yesterday, she also treated me to a classic knock-knock joke...almost.

"Knock knock, Daddy", she said.

"Who's there", I replied.

"Banana", she said.

I better get comfortable, I thought, "Banana who?", I responded.

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Banana", she said.

"Banana who?", I asked.

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

Wait for it....

"Aren't you glad I didn't say 'orange'?", she said proudly.

OK, so she almost had it right.
Just when it seemed that my 8-month-old had lost her ability to speak (it had been two weeks since she blurted out her name!), she has shown us that she's still 'got it'.

Friday night was 'date night'. We got an actual babysitter and everything. This was the first time that someone other than a grandparent would be watching the kids while we were out.

Anyway, I walked in the door, said a big "Hiiii!" to our 8-month-old, she looked right up at me and said,

"Hi, Dada!"

Hey, that was a sentence! The babysitter even gaped! Pretty cool.

Friday, April 04, 2008

Get It? Get It? I Don't Get It

It's easy to forget how difficult the concept of humor can be. What makes one thing funny and another thing not funny? Is it the material? The delivery? The personality of the person?

My four-year-old clearly doesn't quite grasp the concept of puns yet...although I'm trying my best.

We were drawing the other day and we made a house and some trees. She wanted to keep coloring the tree although it was pretty much complete. Harkening back to MY dad's own slightly dry sense of humor, I said,

"Why don't we LEAVE the tree alone. Get it? Leave? A tree has leaves?"

She seemed to get it and laughed. She has mastered the art of mimicing social laughter. Even if she doesn't know why it's funny, she knows that she should be laughing. This makes it hard to tell if she 'gets it' or not.

Well, the answer seems to be 'not'. The last week has been full of comments like,

"Daddy, I'm coloring with a crayon. Get it? A crayon?"

::crickets chirping::

"Ooooh!", I say, "a crayon....hahahaha!"

We can't damage her fragile ego as she pursues her first stand-up career, right?

"Look, Daddy! I have a booger! Get it? A booger?"

OK, well that one actually WAS pretty funny, but for all the wrong reasons.

"Look, Daddy! The baby has a poopy! Get it? A poopy?"

Yep, she's been on a roll this week. Before you know it, she'll be closing with,

"Thank you very much. You've been great. I'm here all week. Tip your waiter."


On another note, our 7-month-old now has an astonishing vocabulary, consisting of:

"Hi" ("Haaaaaaaah")
"Dada" ("Dadadadadadada")
Her own name (this one comes out clear as a bell)

and....of course....

"Dora" (Dooooooo-ah)

Still no "anthropomorphism". Guess I'll have to settle for "plethora". :-)