Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Stupidest Thing Ever

OK, this isn't about fatherhood but you're not going to believe this one.

Far be it for me to say that America is getting dumber, but a friend of mine had a "going away" party yesterday for a lady at his office.

One of the supervisors called a Wal-Mart and ordered the cake.

He told them to write: "Best Wishes Suzanne" and underneath that write "We will miss you".

As the picture shows, it didn't quite turn out right. It was too funny not to keep it...

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

That WASN'T a Jellyfish!

OK, so we were watching this show on T.V. the other night, and this couple decided to have their baby in the ocean.

No, not AT the ocean...IN the ocean. Now there was a bunch of stuff leading up to this, of course.

They wanted to be one with the earth and all this romantic stuff....blah blah blah.

Then, they actually HAD their baby IN the ocean.

But wait...there's more! (said in my best, 70's, cheesy, game-show announcer voice)

THEN, as a tribute to the baby...they THREW the placenta INTO the ocean.

Let me say that again...

They threw the placenta...INTO the ocean!

Just think about that next time you think you see a 'jellyfish'.

Monday, October 22, 2007 wait, Closed

This is an actual photo from a store near our house.

This is exactly why there are so many confused people in America (note the sign)...

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Five Terrifying Words

It must be getting close to Halloween. Scary things are happening.

Yesterday morning, just after I woke up, I was standing in the bathroom when my wife came up and asked me those five, terrifying little words...

"Notice anything different about me?"

I believe my internal reaction looked something like this...

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Clean up the Language in Aisle Five

I was at the pharmacy tonight picking up a few things on the way home...boy, do I live life in the fast lane or what? anyway, I was picking up a few things when I overheard a couple in the next aisle.

The girl was swearing at the guy and the guy was swearing at the girl...real fun stuff like f-bombs and f-this, f-that, and f-you.

Now I didn't have my kids with me but I easily could have. I decided I was going to speak up and put a stop to this.

Just then I heard the girl say,

"You have been such a JERK ever since you got out of prison!"

On second thought, hey, this is the land of the free, right? :-)

Monday, October 08, 2007

Apple Siren: Red Alert!

Nothing says 'Fall' like a trip to the farm. Since it's now October, we decided to take our kids for a trip to the local farm. This has to be my favorite time of year...the colors, the smells, the cooler temperatures, the shorter days...

Of course, today it still hit about 91' here...not quite October weather yet.

Once we got to the farm, my 3-year-old daughter turned to me with a concerned look on her face and said,

"Daddy! We've got to get the apple siren!"

"The apple what??", I said.

"The apple S-I-R-E-N," she repeated.

"Well, I'm sorry," I replied, "I don't know what you mean."

She looked at me very intently and said,

"Mommy said, when we got here, we could get some apple siren to drink!"

"OH, you mean apple CIDER," I replied.

"YES, DADDY! Apple side-ren."


Friday, October 05, 2007

The Reflux - fl - fl - fl - fl - flux

(CAUTION: Bodily function humor below!)

(NO's gross)

(Are you sure you want to do this? You're not eating are you? OK, fine)

With all due respect to Duran Duran, do infants EVER keep anything down?

I was the first one up this morning and I heard our one-month-old cooing in her cradle. I picked her up and brought her face up to mine to say, "Good morning!"


Milk came spewing from her mouth, her nose, and any other orifice within close proximity.

Once little Linda Blair was done, I wiped off her face and then spent the next 10 minutes cleaning out my chest hair, my arm hair, my leg hair...

I was about to hop in the shower anyway but, for some reason, I didn't want THAT in the shower with me.

This has been happening over the last two weeks or so, so I really should have seen it coming but, first thing in the morning is not my best time of day.

For the next few days, I will be saying 'hello' like Bette Midler..."From a Distance"...

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Out of the Mouths of Babes

As I was driving my 3-year-old daughter to the ice cream shop tonight, she looked at me and said,

"Daddy, how come you don't have that much hair?"

I almost wrecked the car I was laughing so hard.

Now, granted, I DID just get a haircut but my hair IS a little thinner than it used to be.

It reminded me of what it must be like to be three. There is no 'filter' that kicks in before things come spewing out their mouths.

I remember when my now 10-year-old was three. She looked at me, way back then, and said,

"Daddy, I think you have water in your hair."

She was, of course, referring to a few gray strands that had popped up over the years.

Now, that she's ten, her instincts are much better.

Why, just this summer, as I was laying on the beach, she said,

"Daddy, I think your bald spot is burning."


Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Sleeping Position???

I fail to see how this could possibly be comfortable...