Sunday, September 30, 2007

Explaining 'God' to a 3-Year-Old

It was bound to come up sooner or later. As we were driving to church this morning, my three-year-old daughter asked,

"Daddy, why do we have to go to church every Sunday?"

"Well, sweetie," I replied, "we need to go and thank God for all of the good things He has given us."

"Oh," she said, "has He been to our house?"

I could see where she was going. How ELSE would He give us those gifts if He hadn't been over, right?

"No," I replied, "well, actually yes. He's always at our house. God is everywhere, all at the same time."

She thought about this for a second.

"Well, how come we can't SEE God? How do we KNOW he's there?", she asked.

Damn good question. Three-year-olds do not do well with 'gray areas'.

"Well, we just know.", I said.

My 'cop out' detector then went off and I realized that she deserved a better answer.

"God is kind of invisible. We can't see Him, but He's everywhere. He gave us you and your sisters, and he gave you a good set of parents (well, most of the time anyway)."

"Oh," she replied, "well, do we have to give them back when we're done with them?"

"Give what back?", I asked.

"The GIFTS that He gave us," she said.

'Silly Daddy'...she must have been thinking.

"Oh, no, of course not," I said, "He just wants us to use our gifts and help other people with them."


"Oh.....OK, Daddy." she said.

Whew. Made it. It's Miller Time!

see also...

801 Questions Kids Ask about God

Saturday, September 29, 2007

"Daddy says it LOUDER"

My wife just handed me today's "Family Circus" cartoon with a wink and a nod. After reading it, I can see why...

"You say 'Stop that' more than Daddy, but HE says it LOUDER."

True. How true.

"Holy Crap!"

Our one-month-old has officially hit that point where she is able to focus her eyes and actually SEE things.

How can we tell this? She will search around the room for a few minutes, then focus on us, then her eyes will just as big as satellite dishes.

I imagine her thought process goes something like this...

"Looking around, looking around...

Sucking my thumb, sucking my thumb...

Pants are wet, pants are wet...

Staring at the ceiling, staring at the ceiling...

Something in front of me, something in front of me...

HOLY CRAP! It's THAT guy! Who IS that guy?"

Pretty entertaining.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Top Things We've Learned from Our Kids

1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing 'Pound Puppy' underwear and a 'Superman' cape.

2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20-by-20-foot room.

3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

5. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year-old-man says they can only do it in the movies.

6. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.

7. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

8. Some things will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old that you'd imagine would remain in him or her.

9. 'Super Glue' is forever.

10. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

11. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

12. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

13. VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

14. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

15. The fire department has at least a 5 minute response time.

16. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

17. It will however make cats dizzy.

18. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Ready for more?

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Nobody's Prefect

Actual listing I just spotted in a 'chamber of commerce' directory in my town...

Remarkable Real Estate Company
"Signature of Excellance"

Hello? Proof-reader, anyone?

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Pee in 'Playland'

We took our three-year-old to McDonald's tonight to play in the 'Playland' while our ten-year-old went to soccer practice.

This 'Playland' was the kind where the kids climb up into giant tubes, crawl around, and come down the tube slide...well, ideally they come DOWN the slide but about half the kids there were also climbing UP the slide and getting knocked on their butts when the other half of the kids came DOWN the slide.

Either way, you basically have to be Gumby to climb around up in those tubes.

About ten minutes after we got there, some mom announced to everyone that her kid had had an accident up in the top of the tubes. A wave of stunned silence came over the crowd.

How would you like to be the poor McDonald's sap that has to climb up into those tubes and clean that up before an avalanche of pee comes cascading down onto the other kids?

Apparently, the folks at Mickey Dee's weren't too keen on it either because after thirty minutes, no one had 'stepped up'.

I'll bet you're going to wonder about it the next time you take YOUR kid to 'Playland'.

The 10 Laws of Parenting

I can tell you from first-hand experience that these are all true:

1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.

2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.

3. Toys multiply to fill any space available.

4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.

5. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.

6. If the shoe's expensive.

7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.

8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.

9. Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.

10. The more challenging the child, the more rewarding it is to be a parent...sometimes.

Monday, September 24, 2007

"Look, Daddy!"

At bath-time tonight, my three-year-old called me over to the tub.

"Look, Daddy!", she said, sticking out her hand.

"I thought I told you not to bring the Play-Doh upstairs.", I said.

"No, Daddy, it's a BOOGER!"

Tums, anyone?

10 Things Your Kids Will Never Say

10. My room is all clean. Want me to help you with yours?

9. I don't need anymore clothes, thanks.

8. All my friends are doing it. That's why I chose not to.

7. I'd rather stay home and keep you company this Friday.

6. My little brother/sister is the most special person in the world.

5. No, don't get up...I'll get it.

4. You use the car. I'll take the bus.

3. Mom, do you like what I'm wearing?

2. I stopped dating him/her because I knew you didn't approve.

...and the Number One thing your kids will never say...

1. Mom, you give me too much allowance.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Mulch Madness!

We had two, one-ton bags of rubber tire mulch delivered last week for our new Rainbow Playset. I did not know that it was going to be delivered in one-ton bags. This made things quite difficult.

In order to spread the mulch, first I had to tip over the bags.

Imaging going 'elephant-tipping', and you will have an idea of what this was like. The immovable object

Why not 10 or 20 smaller bags? Actually, it turns out that this was an option...just much more expensive.

When I came home from work, the giant bags were waiting for me.

We spent the better part of two days shoveling the mulch out and spreading it around. My back feels like it felt after last year's blizzard.

At least now I know that, if my kids fall off the playset, they will be landing on recycled tires.


Saturday, September 22, 2007

Kid-Filled Day

My ears are still ringing. First it was a Saturday morning trip to the playground with my wife, our three-year-old, our one-month-old, my sister-in-law, her almost-two-year-old, my sister-in-law's best friends, and their ten-month-old.

Thank goodness I had a "Snugli". Those things come in handy. I strapped my one-month-old into the "Snugli", put it on, and she was happy as a bug in a rug...until it started raining.

Talk about pandemonium. But wait...there's more.

Then it was a trip to my cousin's house for HER daughter's 1st birthday party. This one had the potential to be dicey because she had hired a clown. My three-year-old has developed a clown phobia of sorts. If you get her near a clown, believe me, that is NOT a room you want to be in.

Luckily, this 'clown' was not really dressed up very much and it was a SHE, which I think helps.

As it turns out, my daughter got her face painted like a 'kitty cat'. She also got a "Dora the Explorer" temporary tattoo.

Almost makes missing nap-time worthwhile, don't you think?

'Wood' You Believe It?

I got wood! I got wood! Wait, let me rephrase that. What I mean to say is...after all that joking about our 5-year anniversary yesterday, my wife DID get me a tree...well, US, a tree.

She took me outside to the side of the house and there was a weeping Japanese cherry something-or-other that was about 5 years old (how appropriate).

Now 'we can watch it age throughout our many years in this house'.

Looks like I found a new place to hang my hammock! :-)

Friday, September 21, 2007

THAT Years?

The baby recognizes me. She just turned one month old on Saturday and already she's starting to figure out who we are.

It must be tough to be that little and not have the ability to tell people what's bothering you.

Crappy diaper = "WAAAH!"
Hungry = "WAAAH!"
Tired = "WAAAH!"
Lonely = "WAAAH!"
Upset stomach = "WAAAH!"
Scared = "WAAAH!"

She used to look at us as though we were inanimate objects. NOW, though, she recognizes SuperDad's alter-ego.

Yesterday, she looked at me and the corner of her mouth turned up into half a smile as though she realized it was....

THAT guy!

"Hey, I know THAT guy! Let me think. Do I get milk from his boobs? No. Does he lick my face? No, that's the furry guy. Ooooooh, it's funny face guy! Watch he goes. YES! That's it, it's funny face guy!"

That's about my only claim to fame at this point. My wife is the one waking up with her in the middle of the night. She's taken the time off from work and she's doing the feeding.

Really, this blog should be about SuperMOM because I don't know how she does it. She gets the kids ready for school, takes care of the baby, whisks one kid to soccer, the other to dance, and keepsng the baby from starving...all on about 5 hours of sleep.

Me, I don't even like having to wake up in the middle of the night to pee, let alone having to feed some screaming person.

So today, I've been married to SuperMom for five years. It's been five wonderful years. Where does the time go?

Do you know what the five year anniversary gift is? Wood. Seriously, it's wood. Who created this list?

"I know. How about for 10 years we make it aluminum foil! Have some Saran Wrap honey!"

Actually that could get you killed.

So it's wood. I guess mornings don't count. I'm thinking tree.

It's been five wonderful years, three kids down and none to go...but that's a story for NEXT time.

Happy Anniversary, Honey! 333

Sunday, September 09, 2007

"Come and Get It!"

I stumbled across this at the local SuperFresh tonight. Now, maybe I'm a little nuts, but I think this would be hard sell.

We have enough trouble getting the kids to the dinner table. Is this what the "Cook's", crack marketing team came up with (no pun intended)? Sheesh!

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

...Until You Change Your Mind

My 3-year-old has taught me another crucial social skill. The other day, I was working on a project on the computer for one of my clients when she came over and asked...

"Daddy, do you want to play with me?"

I hesitated for a moment, because I really did want to, but said,

"Sweetie, I would love to but I have to finish this project for work. Maybe we can find some time to play today after dinner."

She mulled this answer over for a second or two and then said, with a completely straight face,

"OK, Daddy...well, I will just wait right here until you change your mind."

My wife looked at me and we spontaneously burst into laughter.

What if I could use this tactic in everyday life??
...cue dayream sequence music here...


"So you see, boss, this is why my idea will work. What do you think?"

"Well, perhaps we can look into that at a later date."

"OK, well, I will just wait right here in your office until you change your mind."


"So, in looking at the figures, it seems to make sense for you to refinance your mortgage now and at this rate. What do you think?"

"Well, I'm just not sure. Maybe I'll talk it over with my spouse and get back to you in a few weeks."

"OK, well, I will just wait here on the line until you change your mind."


"...and you forgot the fries AND the chicken tenders so I think you should give us our money back."

Order Taker:
"Well, we threw in a free cookie for the inconvenience. Have a nice day."

"OK, well, I will just wait right here until you change your mind."

As you can see, the possibilities are endless. Oh, and by the way, guess who ended up playing that day? :-)

P.S. - For everyone wondering about the baby...she's GREAT! She's only waking up 2 - 3 times per night and she's OFF the biliblanket! She's now a fully portable baby! Whew.