Stupidest Thing Ever

OK, this isn't about fatherhood but you're not going to believe this one.

Far be it for me to say that America is getting dumber, but a friend of mine had a "going away" party yesterday for a lady at his office.

One of the supervisors called a Wal-Mart and ordered the cake.

He told them to write: "Best Wishes Suzanne" and underneath that write "We will miss you".

As the picture shows, it didn't quite turn out right. It was too funny not to keep it...

That WASN'T a Jellyfish!

OK, so we were watching this show on T.V. the other night, and this couple decided to have their baby in the ocean.

No, not AT the ocean...IN the ocean. Now there was a bunch of stuff leading up to this, of course.

They wanted to be one with the earth and all this romantic stuff....blah blah blah.

Then, they actually HAD their baby IN the ocean.

But wait...there's more! (said in my best, 70's, cheesy, game-show announcer voice)

THEN, as a tribute to the baby...they THREW the placenta INTO the ocean.

Let me say that again...

They threw the placenta...INTO the ocean!

Just think about that next time you think you see a 'jellyfish'.

Open..no wait, Closed

This is an actual photo from a store near our house.

This is exactly why there are so many confused people in America (note the sign)...

Five Terrifying Words

It must be getting close to Halloween. Scary things are happening.

Yesterday morning, just after I woke up, I was standing in the bathroom when my wife came up and asked me those five, terrifying little words...

"Notice anything different about me?"

I believe my internal reaction looked something like this...

Clean up the Language in Aisle Five

I was at the pharmacy tonight picking up a few things on the way home...boy, do I live life in the fast lane or what?...so anyway, I was picking up a few things when I overheard a couple in the next aisle.

The girl was swearing at the guy and the guy was swearing at the girl...real fun stuff like f-bombs and f-this, f-that, and f-you.

Now I didn't have my kids with me but I easily could have. I decided I was going to speak up and put a stop to this.

Just then I heard the girl say,

"You have been such a JERK ever since you got out of prison!"

On second thought, hey, this is the land of the free, right? :-)

Apple Siren: Red Alert!

Nothing says 'Fall' like a trip to the farm. Since it's now October, we decided to take our kids for a trip to the local farm. This has to be my favorite time of year...the colors, the smells, the cooler temperatures, the shorter days...

Of course, today it still hit about 91' here...not quite October weather yet.

Once we got to the farm, my 3-year-old daughter turned to me with a concerned look on her face and said,

"Daddy! We've got to get the apple siren!"

"The apple what??", I said.

"The apple S-I-R-E-N," she repeated.

"Well, I'm sorry," I replied, "I don't know what you mean."

She looked at me very intently and said,

"Mommy said, when we got here, we could get some apple siren to drink!"

"OH, you mean apple CIDER," I replied.

"YES, DADDY! Apple side-ren."

:-)

The Reflux - fl - fl - fl - fl - flux

(CAUTION: Bodily function humor below!)



(NO REALLY...it's gross)



(Are you sure you want to do this? You're not eating are you? OK, fine)



With all due respect to Duran Duran, do infants EVER keep anything down?

I was the first one up this morning and I heard our one-month-old cooing in her cradle. I picked her up and brought her face up to mine to say, "Good morning!"

Just then...BLLLEEEEEEEEECCCCCHHH!

Milk came spewing from her mouth, her nose, and any other orifice within close proximity.

Once little Linda Blair was done, I wiped off her face and then spent the next 10 minutes cleaning out my chest hair, my arm hair, my leg hair...

I was about to hop in the shower anyway but, for some reason, I didn't want THAT in the shower with me.

This has been happening over the last two weeks or so, so I really should have seen it coming but, first thing in the morning is not my best time of day.

For the next few days, I will be saying 'hello' like Bette Midler..."From a Distance"...

Out of the Mouths of Babes

As I was driving my 3-year-old daughter to the ice cream shop tonight, she looked at me and said,

"Daddy, how come you don't have that much hair?"

I almost wrecked the car I was laughing so hard.

Now, granted, I DID just get a haircut but my hair IS a little thinner than it used to be.

It reminded me of what it must be like to be three. There is no 'filter' that kicks in before things come spewing out their mouths.

I remember when my now 10-year-old was three. She looked at me, way back then, and said,

"Daddy, I think you have water in your hair."

She was, of course, referring to a few gray strands that had popped up over the years.

Now, that she's ten, her instincts are much better.

Why, just this summer, as I was laying on the beach, she said,

"Daddy, I think your bald spot is burning."

Progress.

Sleeping Position???

I fail to see how this could possibly be comfortable...

Explaining 'God' to a 3-Year-Old

It was bound to come up sooner or later. As we were driving to church this morning, my three-year-old daughter asked,

"Daddy, why do we have to go to church every Sunday?"

"Well, sweetie," I replied, "we need to go and thank God for all of the good things He has given us."

"Oh," she said, "has He been to our house?"

I could see where she was going. How ELSE would He give us those gifts if He hadn't been over, right?

"No," I replied, "well, actually yes. He's always at our house. God is everywhere, all at the same time."

She thought about this for a second.

"Well, how come we can't SEE God? How do we KNOW he's there?", she asked.

Damn good question. Three-year-olds do not do well with 'gray areas'.

"Well, we just know.", I said.

My 'cop out' detector then went off and I realized that she deserved a better answer.

"God is kind of invisible. We can't see Him, but He's everywhere. He gave us you and your sisters, and he gave you a good set of parents (well, most of the time anyway)."

"Oh," she replied, "well, do we have to give them back when we're done with them?"

"Give what back?", I asked.

"The GIFTS that He gave us," she said.

'Silly Daddy'...she must have been thinking.

"Oh, no, of course not," I said, "He just wants us to use our gifts and help other people with them."

Tick-tick-tick-tick...

"Oh.....OK, Daddy." she said.

Whew. Made it. It's Miller Time!

see also...

801 Questions Kids Ask about God

"Daddy says it LOUDER"

My wife just handed me today's "Family Circus" cartoon with a wink and a nod. After reading it, I can see why...


"You say 'Stop that' more than Daddy, but HE says it LOUDER."

True. How true.

"Holy Crap!"

Our one-month-old has officially hit that point where she is able to focus her eyes and actually SEE things.

How can we tell this? She will search around the room for a few minutes, then focus on us, then her eyes will just as big as satellite dishes.

I imagine her thought process goes something like this...

"Looking around, looking around...

Sucking my thumb, sucking my thumb...

Pants are wet, pants are wet...

Staring at the ceiling, staring at the ceiling...

Something in front of me, something in front of me...

HOLY CRAP! It's THAT guy! Who IS that guy?"

Pretty entertaining.

Top Things We've Learned from Our Kids

1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing 'Pound Puppy' underwear and a 'Superman' cape.

2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20-by-20-foot room.

3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

5. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year-old-man says they can only do it in the movies.

6. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.

7. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

8. Some things will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old that you'd imagine would remain in him or her.

9. 'Super Glue' is forever.

10. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

11. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

12. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

13. VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

14. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

15. The fire department has at least a 5 minute response time.

16. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

17. It will however make cats dizzy.

18. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Ready for more?

Nobody's Prefect

Actual listing I just spotted in a 'chamber of commerce' directory in my town...

--------------------------
KELLER WILLIAMS REALTY
Remarkable Real Estate Company
"Signature of Excellance"
--------------------------

Hello? Proof-reader, anyone?

Pee in 'Playland'

We took our three-year-old to McDonald's tonight to play in the 'Playland' while our ten-year-old went to soccer practice.

This 'Playland' was the kind where the kids climb up into giant tubes, crawl around, and come down the tube slide...well, ideally they come DOWN the slide but about half the kids there were also climbing UP the slide and getting knocked on their butts when the other half of the kids came DOWN the slide.

Either way, you basically have to be Gumby to climb around up in those tubes.

About ten minutes after we got there, some mom announced to everyone that her kid had had an accident up in the top of the tubes. A wave of stunned silence came over the crowd.

How would you like to be the poor McDonald's sap that has to climb up into those tubes and clean that up before an avalanche of pee comes cascading down onto the other kids?

Apparently, the folks at Mickey Dee's weren't too keen on it either because after thirty minutes, no one had 'stepped up'.

I'll bet you're going to wonder about it the next time you take YOUR kid to 'Playland'.

The 10 Laws of Parenting

I can tell you from first-hand experience that these are all true:

1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.

2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.

3. Toys multiply to fill any space available.

4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.

5. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.

6. If the shoe fits...it's expensive.

7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.

8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.

9. Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.

10. The more challenging the child, the more rewarding it is to be a parent...sometimes.

"Look, Daddy!"

At bath-time tonight, my three-year-old called me over to the tub.

"Look, Daddy!", she said, sticking out her hand.

"I thought I told you not to bring the Play-Doh upstairs.", I said.

"No, Daddy, it's a BOOGER!"

Tums, anyone?

10 Things Your Kids Will Never Say

10. My room is all clean. Want me to help you with yours?

9. I don't need anymore clothes, thanks.

8. All my friends are doing it. That's why I chose not to.

7. I'd rather stay home and keep you company this Friday.

6. My little brother/sister is the most special person in the world.

5. No, don't get up...I'll get it.

4. You use the car. I'll take the bus.

3. Mom, do you like what I'm wearing?

2. I stopped dating him/her because I knew you didn't approve.

...and the Number One thing your kids will never say...



1. Mom, you give me too much allowance.

Mulch Madness!

We had two, one-ton bags of rubber tire mulch delivered last week for our new Rainbow Playset. I did not know that it was going to be delivered in one-ton bags. This made things quite difficult.

In order to spread the mulch, first I had to tip over the bags.

Imaging going 'elephant-tipping', and you will have an idea of what this was like. The immovable object meeting....well....me.

Why not 10 or 20 smaller bags? Actually, it turns out that this was an option...just much more expensive.

When I came home from work, the giant bags were waiting for me.

We spent the better part of two days shoveling the mulch out and spreading it around. My back feels like it felt after last year's blizzard.

At least now I know that, if my kids fall off the playset, they will be landing on recycled tires.

Comforting.

Kid-Filled Day

My ears are still ringing. First it was a Saturday morning trip to the playground with my wife, our three-year-old, our one-month-old, my sister-in-law, her almost-two-year-old, my sister-in-law's best friends, and their ten-month-old.

Thank goodness I had a "Snugli". Those things come in handy. I strapped my one-month-old into the "Snugli", put it on, and she was happy as a bug in a rug...until it started raining.

Talk about pandemonium. But wait...there's more.

Then it was a trip to my cousin's house for HER daughter's 1st birthday party. This one had the potential to be dicey because she had hired a clown. My three-year-old has developed a clown phobia of sorts. If you get her near a clown, believe me, that is NOT a room you want to be in.

Luckily, this 'clown' was not really dressed up very much and it was a SHE, which I think helps.

As it turns out, my daughter got her face painted like a 'kitty cat'. She also got a "Dora the Explorer" temporary tattoo.

Almost makes missing nap-time worthwhile, don't you think?