T Minus 30 Days and Counting

We have officially hit the home stretch (no pun intended). With an official due date of 8/30, we are now, at most, 30 days away from having another kid in the house.

The contractions have been coming pretty regularly for about a week now so I'll be surprised if we make it to 8/30. I'm glad we decided to have a third child so I could witness this amazing transformation one more time.

This baby is active, too. My wife's stomach now looks like a package of "Jiffy Pop" that's been sitting on the stove too long. POW! BANG! POP! BOOM! ROOOOOOLL! KABOOM!

Remember that old Pepto Bismol commercial where the guy is sitting miserably on the couch and there's a war going on inside his stomach? That's what it looks like.

It's also pretty cute watching my 3-year-old talk to my wife's belly.

"Helloooooo, little sister...it's me...your BIG sister!"

Our two daughters were each born in December so this is really the first time that my wife has been 9 months pregnant in the summertime. This is not fun...especially here in our little sauna of a town where the humidity is often worse than the heat.

I've decided that the only way I could possibly empathize is to strap a watermelon to my stomach for a month or so. After thinking through the logistics of this plan, however, I decided not to try it (darn!).

My wife has a checkup today so I'm anxiously awaiting to hear whether we're still going to go all the way to 40 weeks or not. We'll see.

She asked me the other day, "Do I look bigger than last time?"

This sent a cold shiver up my spine. There's really no right answer to this question.

"No" would indicate that it's time to start worrying if something is wrong with the baby.

"Yes"...well..."Yes" just doesn't feel like the right answer either. "Boy, I NEVER thought you could top last time! Was I wrong or what??"

I gave the only answer I could think of...

"You know, honey, I really don't remember."

Three Days of Chaos in the Sun

Another summer, another family vacation. We took a shorter trip than usual this year since my wife is pregnant. We stayed at a house that my parents had rented at the beach for the week.

This means that we crammed all of the chaos and craziness of an entire week into 3 short days at the beach with my parents and my younger brother. It had been years since we took a trip with my parents so it was fun to do so again and just enjoy spending time together. As for my brother, once we start hanging out, suddenly we're 10-years-old again, doing all that stuff that brothers do.

My family had fun too during our shortened, mini-vacation. Let's review, shall we?

DAY 1:

My wife, who is eight months pregnant, catches an upper respiratory infection. She's miserable. We just got back from the trip yesterday and she's already been to Patient First (6pm) and then the E.R. (3am) to fix everything that Patient First screwed up. Keep up the great work, Patient First.

DAY 2:

My 10-year-old daughter wipes out in the waves on her boogie-board. She hits so hard that she cracks the board in half and runs out of the water with blood gushing out of her nose. This prompts a Baywatch-like sprint from myself AND from the lifeguard on duty. We check her out. She's okay but done for the day. Dude, nice wave!

DAY 3:

We check out, pack the minivan (hey, it's my wife's), and make the 3-hour trip back home. We unpack and suddenly I realize that I left my PDA (basically my Blackberry, for those of you who are technologically challenged) on TOP of the minivan when we left the beach house. We suddenly recall hearing a THUMP when we pulled out onto the highway. At the time, I had calmly reassured my 10-year-old that the luggage was just settling in the back of the minivan. Oops.

I figured that my PDA was toast by now...either cracked open on the side of the road or run over. I considered calling my relatives who live at the beach to see if they could scour the highway before it got dark. Suddenly, my cell phone rang. Someone had seen it lying on the highway, stopped, opened it, and saw my phone number! It was in tact!

I don't know if you believe in small miracles but I do. This person is my new hero. She is supposed to call me back today to get my address. Hopefully, she follows through, but this story is already unbelievable.

I can't wait to do it all again next year with ANOTHER kid added to the mix! Surf's up!

Sales Lessons from My Kids

My daughters have only been in this world for a combined 13 short years and already they are teaching ME, more than I am teaching them. They are teaching me that persistence is the most effective way to get something done.

I'm actually thinking of hiring them. I am a mortgage lender in the 'real world'. I imagine that if one of my daughters was to make a sales call for me, this is what it would sound like:

[RING]

"Hello?"

"Hi, Mr. Jones, my daddy says you want to refinance your mortgage. How can I help you?"

"Well, I'm not quite ready to discuss this just yet. I need to talk to my wife first. Give me some time to discuss it with her."

"Okay. Bye."

[CLICK]

Five minutes later

[RING]

"Hello?"

"Hi, Mr. Jones. NOW are you ready to talk about your mortgage?"

"As I said, I need some time to talk it over with my wife. Thank you."

"Okay. Bye bye."

[CLICK]

Five minutes later

[RING]

"Yes?"

"Mr. Jones, I really, really want to talk about your mortgage wif you."

"No, not right now, young lady!"

"No, no, no, NOW you say 'YES'!"

"Excuse me?"

"Now you say, 'Yes, I DO want to talk about my mortgage'."

"Young lady, I need to speak to my wife first, BEFORE I discuss my mortgage with you."

"She said, 'YES!'"

"Excuse me, missy?"

"She said, 'YES, YES!'"

"Young lady, my wife is at work...and you don't even know where that is."

"I DO know where that is and she said 'YES'!"

"Not right now, young lady. Goodbye!"

[CLICK]

Five minutes later

[RING]

"This better not be who I think it is."

Talking off in the distance

"I really wish Mr. Jones would talk to me about his mortgage."

"Young lady?"

"Boy, I REALLY want Mr. Jones to talk about his mortgage wif me."

"Now listen, young lady, this is ridiculous! We are NOT talking about my mortgage right now!"

"PLEEEEEEEASE? I REEEEEALLY want to."

(sighs)
"Fine. Call back in an hour. My wife will be home then."

"Thirty minutes."

"WHAT???"

"I'll call back in thirty minutes."

"Now look here. I agreed to talk about my mortgage with you. Just call back in ONE HOUR."

"Twenty minutes."

"Young lady, you are NOT to call back here in twenty minutes, or you will be in BIG trouble. Don't make me come over there!"

"OK, fine, I'll call back in thirty minutes."

"Fine!"

"Fine. OK, thank you, Mr. Jones!"