Fake Plastic Trees

Nope, this isn't about Radiohead, sorry. It's about trees. Well, actually it's about plastic. I broke down this year and opted for the fake tree.

Why? With two kids it wasn't so hard to get out and look for a tree. Now that we have THREE kids, and busy schedules it was getting to be downright impossible.

So, when my 4-year-old said, "Daddy, can we go pick a tree?"

I said, "Sure," and off to WalMart we went.

"Daddy, this isn't where we get trees. We get trees OUTSIDE."

"Yes, I know...but this will be a SPECIAL tree. This will be one that we can use over and over and over!"

Gee, can you tell that I am in sales?

We got the tree and took it home. It's not so bad, really. It looks a little bit fake but it came with lights pre-attached! Man, you can't beat that with a stick!

I might just have to buy some of that pine spray, just to make it a little more realistic.

This is really a first for me. We ALWAYS had a real tree growing up, but now I can see why sometimes we didn't have our tree up until Christmas Eve when I was little. Life is HECTIC. This will be one less thing to have to 'run out and do' every year.

Which reminds me, we were out shopping at the mall this weekend and the toy store had this semi-intelligent toy pony named "Butterscotch" that reacts to your words, lights, sounds, etc. It even comes with a pretend carrot to feed to it.

This thing is really kind of creepy...and it costs $250! Really, for $250 it should be able to change a diaper and vacuum the house too.

Luckily, my 4-year-old was not into this. I think I would have to sleep with garlic around my neck or something...the thing is just creepy.

Anyway, only three shopping days left! This year I'm almost done except for one person (no, not my wife...I'm not STUPID!).

I will be strapping on my racing shoes on Christmas Eve as usual, I'm sure. There's just something insanely fun about being out with the masses. I'm better under pressure anyway.

'Tis the season! Maybe one day soon we will actually DECORATE the tree!

Do Not Read While Eating....Part II

Well, it's been a record 5 minutes since my last post (scroll down and read Part I if you haven't already). It's funny, two weeks...no inspiration. Five minutes...an entire book's worth of lovely, blog-worthy, family moments.

After surviving the incident pictured in the previous post, my lovely wife got the baby changed, bathed her, and put her in a nice, new, clean outfit.

I had just finished hitting "Publish Post"...when I hear, "OH MY GOD!"

I look over...and I see baby formula SPEWING from my daughter's mouth and BOTH nostrils. This was not her typical little 'spit-up'. This was her imitation of a fire-breathing dragon on steroids. Barry Bonds would be jealous of this one. Then...it happens again. And yet AGAIN.

This reminded me of an incident from my childhood that my mother and I now simply refer to as...."The Brioschi Incident". Without going into the gory details, if there had been an Olympic event called 'Hurling for Distance', I would have won.

This time, we had to remove the baby's NEW outfit AND my wife had to change too.

The worst part of all this is that I was home with the kids all day while my wife was at work and everything was fine.

Now that my wife has decided to try and spend a few minutes with our daughter, she's been pooped on and puked on within the last 30 minutes.

My first reaction was to reach for the camera again but my paternal instincts kicked in and said 'clean the baby, idiot.' Of course, later, my wife said, "Why didn't you take a picture of that too?"

Yeah, like THAT's what you all really would have wanted to see. The next thing you know, I'll be taking pictures of their poopy diapers. Sheesh.

In her defense, the baby had a check-up yesterday and got FOUR shots in her legs so she's probably not feeling quite right. Poor kid.

Well, I'm off to go put on a tarp and play with the baby. Probably see you in another five minutes.

Do Not Read While Eating...Part I

Oh, so you just had to see, huh? The headline wasn't warning enough, right? It's like saying, "DON'T think about a pink elephant!"

(By the way, YES I'm still around. Two of our three daughters have December birthdays so, like the magician in Frosty the Snowman, we've been BUSY, BUSY, BUSY! Now, where were we? Oh yes...)

Well, you brought this upon yourSELF. Just remember that.

Let me just say this...sometimes, when you're suffering from a mild case of writer's block, something happens that makes you think, "Gee, that was easy."

So.....without further ado.....

Would SOMEONE.....PLEASE.....tell me WHAT....in the WORLD.....we're supposed to do with THIS???...