My Kids: Killing Me Softly

I went to get a haircut last week as I usually do when the temperature hits 90 degrees. After all, if the air conditioning is all the way down, the kids are running around the house in their underwear, and the back deck thermometer reads 110 degrees (it's in direct sunlight), then the only thing I can do is go get as much of this thick black stuff off my head as possible.

Except that it's not so black these days. As my 'stylist' was cutting my hair (I can't say 'barber'...my wife looked at me and said, "Who still says 'barber'?"...I do, but that's beside the point), I noticed more and more gray hair falling to the floor. How does this happen?

Look, there goes one now! That one was caused by the fact that our central air coniditioning broke right before the 4th of July weekend.

You might think, "Gee, Chris, that must have been hot."

Trust me when I tell you that you have NO idea. I actually lost 5 pounds. We would all come back home from running errands, open the front door and wait for that refreshing cold blast....oh yeah, it's broken. It was HOT. I mean it was Africa HOT!

There's nothing I love more than sweating my ass off for a few days and then shelling out several thousand dollars on a new central air unit. This one lasted 16 years so I shouldn't complain. Did I mention that it was HOT?

Look, there goes another gray hair. That one was from last Tuesday when my 11-year-old daughter, was rocking in our living room rocking chair...a little too aggressively. So aggressively, in fact, that she slammed into our grandfather clock, knocked it over and it shattered into a million pieces all over the living room floor.

Boy, I'll tell you, there's nothing more fun with a toddler in the house than worrying about broken glass all over the floor.

We pretty much had a cow...and the clock is toast. I've never really seen a grandfather clock shatter. In retrospect, it was quite a site to see. It's one of those things you've always WANTED to do, but never really had the opportunity. Kind of like seeing if Super Glue really COULD hold you suspended in mid-air by a hard hat.

Look, there goes another gray hair. That's from when our 11-year-old BIT our 4-year-old last week. Nope, I didn't get that backwards. To make it worse, she was fighting with her over a tub of building blocks. Yes, building blocks.

I think older siblings that have younger siblings must just revert to the age of the youngest sibling. I remember getting in to quite a few "nyah nyah" battles with my younger brother as a teen. I don't remember biting him, though. The things I did were much worse.

Oh, there's another gray hair. That's from the 11-month-old constantly splashing around in the dog's water dish. She also likes to stealthily sneak under my chair and turn the computer off. Oh, and that other gray hair, that's from when I caught the dog drinking out of our toilet last night.

Look, there go a couple more gray hairs. Let's see, those are from the fact that both our 4-year-old and 11-month-old daughters had colds last week and were miserable and grouchy. Oh, and that other gray hair, that's because our printer broke at home and we have to go get a new one. Oh, and that other gray hair, well, that's because I'm in the mortgage industry. Enough said.

Hey, look at that. Walgreens is having a sale on "Just for Men".

"Honey, I'm heading out! I'll be back when school starts."