See? Sleeping's Not So Bad!

It looks like our new, little bundle of joy has finally figured it out! She's less than 2 weeks old and she's already ALMOST sleeping through the night.

The last few nights, in fact, she's only woken up once or twice. Looks like she's finally figured out that day time is for playing, and night time is for sleeping.

She's also managed to find her thumb to suck on which has to be some kind of record. As I write this, she is in her swing looking at me like, "Who is that big guy in front of that big, glowing thing?"

In other baby news, her bilirubin count was finally starting to DECREASE on Friday. My wife will take her back to the doctor today to see if we can unhook her from this blanket yet.

For all of last week and the weekend, she had to stay wrapped in a 'biliblanket' which plugs into the wall and emits this bright, blue light. She's been looking kind of like baby Superman on planet Krypton in the 70's film.

We are hoping that we can unhook her today so that my wife can finally get out of the house!

How long until the kids go back to school?? "It's the most...wonderful time......of the year!" I love Fall!

Home Sweet Home

Quick update to yesterday's post...as of this evening, mother and baby are finally back home! Our little girl will be wrapped in a 'bili blanket' for the next 4 or 5 days, but this sure beats the unit they had her in at the hospital.

All's well that ends well...let's just hope things continue to go smoothly.

She's Here...and She's Back!

Well, daughter number three decided to surprise us all and arrive a few days early.

My wife decided to leave work at lunchtime on Tuesday because she wasn't feeling very good. She told me to stay close to the phone. Sure enough, around 4pm she told me that I should leave the office and get home to pack up my things.

I broke about 14 major traffic laws and made it home from work in 10 minutes flat. We packed, went to the hospital, got my wife examined, and they told us 'this is not a drill'.

After about 7 hours of labor, it was time to start pushing. My wife pushed for about an hour when suddenly, out popped a head, facing straight up at me...as if to say, "WAAAZZZZAAAAPPPPP????"

This really took me by surprise. When my second daughter was born, she came out face down and it was quick! THIS little girl's head was face up, and she lingered there for a minute before the doc pulled her all the way out. That visual is going to stay with me for a long time.

She was born at 1:33am on Wednesday morning, weighing in at 6 pounds, 15 ounces.

On Thursday evening, we went home. There have been two times in my life when I drove like a little, old man. The first time was when we drove my second daughter home from the hospital three and a half years ago. The second time was Thursday evening (my 10-year-old is my step-daughter, don't forget).

Anyway, after almost two days at home, we took our new addition to the doctor today for a 'quick checkup'. They told us to pack up and head right back to the hospital.

It seems that her bilirubin count is way up and she has 'newborn jaundice'. We took her to the hospital and they now have her 'under the lights'.

She and my wife will probably be there until Monday or Tuesday so, while her arrival at home was short-lived, we will be looking forward even more to her quick & healthy return!

The Great Sniffix

It seems that my 10-year-old daughter doesn't want to be out-done by my 3-year-old (see previous post).

Last week my parents came over to babysit for a while. My 10-year-old decided she wanted to do one of her favorite things with them...play teacher!

As my parents sat down in their 'classroom seats', my 10-year-old said,

"Today, students, we will learn about the great sniffix."

"Sniffix?", my parents asked.

"Yes...sniffix.", my daughter replied.

"Sniffix??"

"Yes! Sniffix!"

"Um, excuse me...", my parents asked. "What exactly is a 'sniffix'?"

My daughter replied, "You know, it's that big thing in, like, Egypt, that kind of looks like a dog or something?"

I imagine that, at this point, a giant, cartoon image of a light bulb appeared over my parents' heads.

"OOOOH, do you mean....The Sphinx??", they asked.

"YES! The Sphinx!", my daughter replied. "Is THAT how you say that?!"

My parents were laughing so hard while relaying this story to me, it took 30 minutes just to get the above sequence of events out of them.

I can't say I blame 'em. Sniffix! Maybe we just stumbled upon the next big name in tissue products!

Toddlerisms

Last night my 3-year-old daughter got out of the bathtub, got into her pajamas and, in a very concerned state, said...

"DADDY! We forgot the air conditioner!"

"The what?", I replied.

"The air conditioner!", she repeated, really trying her best to clarify things.

"I don't know what you mean.", I said. "The air conditioning has been on all day."

"No, Daddy! The AIR conditioner...so my hair doesn't get all tangled up!"

"OH...the HAIR conditioner!", I exclaimed.

"Yes, the HAIR conditioner, Daddy!", she said triumphantly.

English. How did we ever learn such a confusing language? :-)

T minus 24 days to new baby and counting...

T Minus 30 Days and Counting

We have officially hit the home stretch (no pun intended). With an official due date of 8/30, we are now, at most, 30 days away from having another kid in the house.

The contractions have been coming pretty regularly for about a week now so I'll be surprised if we make it to 8/30. I'm glad we decided to have a third child so I could witness this amazing transformation one more time.

This baby is active, too. My wife's stomach now looks like a package of "Jiffy Pop" that's been sitting on the stove too long. POW! BANG! POP! BOOM! ROOOOOOLL! KABOOM!

Remember that old Pepto Bismol commercial where the guy is sitting miserably on the couch and there's a war going on inside his stomach? That's what it looks like.

It's also pretty cute watching my 3-year-old talk to my wife's belly.

"Helloooooo, little sister...it's me...your BIG sister!"

Our two daughters were each born in December so this is really the first time that my wife has been 9 months pregnant in the summertime. This is not fun...especially here in our little sauna of a town where the humidity is often worse than the heat.

I've decided that the only way I could possibly empathize is to strap a watermelon to my stomach for a month or so. After thinking through the logistics of this plan, however, I decided not to try it (darn!).

My wife has a checkup today so I'm anxiously awaiting to hear whether we're still going to go all the way to 40 weeks or not. We'll see.

She asked me the other day, "Do I look bigger than last time?"

This sent a cold shiver up my spine. There's really no right answer to this question.

"No" would indicate that it's time to start worrying if something is wrong with the baby.

"Yes"...well..."Yes" just doesn't feel like the right answer either. "Boy, I NEVER thought you could top last time! Was I wrong or what??"

I gave the only answer I could think of...

"You know, honey, I really don't remember."

Three Days of Chaos in the Sun

Another summer, another family vacation. We took a shorter trip than usual this year since my wife is pregnant. We stayed at a house that my parents had rented at the beach for the week.

This means that we crammed all of the chaos and craziness of an entire week into 3 short days at the beach with my parents and my younger brother. It had been years since we took a trip with my parents so it was fun to do so again and just enjoy spending time together. As for my brother, once we start hanging out, suddenly we're 10-years-old again, doing all that stuff that brothers do.

My family had fun too during our shortened, mini-vacation. Let's review, shall we?

DAY 1:

My wife, who is eight months pregnant, catches an upper respiratory infection. She's miserable. We just got back from the trip yesterday and she's already been to Patient First (6pm) and then the E.R. (3am) to fix everything that Patient First screwed up. Keep up the great work, Patient First.

DAY 2:

My 10-year-old daughter wipes out in the waves on her boogie-board. She hits so hard that she cracks the board in half and runs out of the water with blood gushing out of her nose. This prompts a Baywatch-like sprint from myself AND from the lifeguard on duty. We check her out. She's okay but done for the day. Dude, nice wave!

DAY 3:

We check out, pack the minivan (hey, it's my wife's), and make the 3-hour trip back home. We unpack and suddenly I realize that I left my PDA (basically my Blackberry, for those of you who are technologically challenged) on TOP of the minivan when we left the beach house. We suddenly recall hearing a THUMP when we pulled out onto the highway. At the time, I had calmly reassured my 10-year-old that the luggage was just settling in the back of the minivan. Oops.

I figured that my PDA was toast by now...either cracked open on the side of the road or run over. I considered calling my relatives who live at the beach to see if they could scour the highway before it got dark. Suddenly, my cell phone rang. Someone had seen it lying on the highway, stopped, opened it, and saw my phone number! It was in tact!

I don't know if you believe in small miracles but I do. This person is my new hero. She is supposed to call me back today to get my address. Hopefully, she follows through, but this story is already unbelievable.

I can't wait to do it all again next year with ANOTHER kid added to the mix! Surf's up!

Sales Lessons from My Kids

My daughters have only been in this world for a combined 13 short years and already they are teaching ME, more than I am teaching them. They are teaching me that persistence is the most effective way to get something done.

I'm actually thinking of hiring them. I am a mortgage lender in the 'real world'. I imagine that if one of my daughters was to make a sales call for me, this is what it would sound like:

[RING]

"Hello?"

"Hi, Mr. Jones, my daddy says you want to refinance your mortgage. How can I help you?"

"Well, I'm not quite ready to discuss this just yet. I need to talk to my wife first. Give me some time to discuss it with her."

"Okay. Bye."

[CLICK]

Five minutes later

[RING]

"Hello?"

"Hi, Mr. Jones. NOW are you ready to talk about your mortgage?"

"As I said, I need some time to talk it over with my wife. Thank you."

"Okay. Bye bye."

[CLICK]

Five minutes later

[RING]

"Yes?"

"Mr. Jones, I really, really want to talk about your mortgage wif you."

"No, not right now, young lady!"

"No, no, no, NOW you say 'YES'!"

"Excuse me?"

"Now you say, 'Yes, I DO want to talk about my mortgage'."

"Young lady, I need to speak to my wife first, BEFORE I discuss my mortgage with you."

"She said, 'YES!'"

"Excuse me, missy?"

"She said, 'YES, YES!'"

"Young lady, my wife is at work...and you don't even know where that is."

"I DO know where that is and she said 'YES'!"

"Not right now, young lady. Goodbye!"

[CLICK]

Five minutes later

[RING]

"This better not be who I think it is."

Talking off in the distance

"I really wish Mr. Jones would talk to me about his mortgage."

"Young lady?"

"Boy, I REALLY want Mr. Jones to talk about his mortgage wif me."

"Now listen, young lady, this is ridiculous! We are NOT talking about my mortgage right now!"

"PLEEEEEEEASE? I REEEEEALLY want to."

(sighs)
"Fine. Call back in an hour. My wife will be home then."

"Thirty minutes."

"WHAT???"

"I'll call back in thirty minutes."

"Now look here. I agreed to talk about my mortgage with you. Just call back in ONE HOUR."

"Twenty minutes."

"Young lady, you are NOT to call back here in twenty minutes, or you will be in BIG trouble. Don't make me come over there!"

"OK, fine, I'll call back in thirty minutes."

"Fine!"

"Fine. OK, thank you, Mr. Jones!"

Fathers Day Reflections

As another Fathers Day passes by, I wonder about the kinds of things my kids will remember about me. What memories will make them laugh, cry, snort milk out their nose, etc?

Will it be Daddy singing at chuch every Sunday? Will it be taking a minute to play 'tea party' before leaving for work, even though I'm already running late? Piggyback rides in the pool? Riding along on the back of my bicycle? Going to see WWE Smackdown live and in person? Going to the beach? The first time I called my 10-year-old on her new cell phone (ugh)?

This is an excellent time to recount some of the things that I have learned from MY father:

- Do what you say you're going to do.

There were many summer 'temp' jobs that I didn't like. There were many times that I didn't feel like going to Little League. Still, I kept going because I said I would and the team was counting on me. Come to think of it, I think I've only ever had two sick days in my life. Watch out, Cal!

- Never tease or make fun of someone for something that they can't help (or control).

This speaks for itself.

- Never 'ride the clutch'.

My dad taught me to drive on a manual transmission (stick-shift). This has proven to be an invaluable skill and many people just don't know how to do it. I never knew any other way for the first 5 years or so of my driving career.

When he was teaching me to drive a stick, he would notice whenever I didn't take my foot all the way off of the clutch. Dad would gently whack me on the arm repeatedly saying, "Get your foot off the clutch, get your foot off the clutch, get your foot off the clutch." As you may know, leaving your foot resting on the clutch is a pretty good way to wear it out more quickly...and they are not cheap.

Whenever I was out driving by myself, if I left my foot on the clutch I would subconsciously feel this whacking sensation on my arm and I would come right off of it.

I think I had my first car, a Jetta, for about 10 years. As I recall, it only ever needed one new clutch.

- "THE BALL"

Whenever I was in a particularly bad hitting slump (which seemed to be quite often...hey, there's a reason I'm a banker and not a ballplayer), my dad would take me out to the diamond and we would have hitting practice.

He would pitch and tell me to 'focus on THE BALL'. At that moment, when I was up at the plate, nothing else in the world mattered...just THE BALL. Not the pitcher, not my teammates, not the state of the global economy, just THE BALL. Don't take your eye off of it until your bat hits it. Just THE BALL.

A good lesson, not only for baseball but for life in general.

- "You don't have to KNOW what you're doing, you just have to ACT LIKE you know what you're doing."

In other words, be confident in yourself and people will follow you. I have started reading "The Little Engine That Could" to my daughters for this very reason. It's not just a children's book, it's a lesson about life.

Of course, you do have to have a little knowledge at some point but as the great Yogi Berra said, "Half the game is 90% mental."

- Police officers should always wear reflective gear at night.

On second thought, I think I'll leave this one alone...before I'm 'struck down'.

- It's not so much yourself that you have to worry about, it's the other maniacs out there.

True, not only when driving but in every aspect of life.

- How to change a flat tire.

This lesson came about when I first started driving and took a curve too fast in the rain. BOOM - right into the curb, blowing out the tire...and the axel, and the frame, and...well, you get the idea.

I had to call home and tell my mom who then had to call my dad at work...much to my dismay.

I knew I was in trouble when dad came flying up the wrong way on a one-way street, screeched to a stop, checked to make sure I was uninjured, then said,

"Nice work, son. Change the tire."

Whew. I think I had to go home and change my underwear. This would have been much less traumatic if my dad hadn't been in the car with me just the day before telling me that I was driving too fast in the rain. Dads...what do they know anyway?

- When to 'rescue' and when to 'give space'.

Junior prom. Nervous as hell. Got to the dance with my date. Had a great time. Went to leave. Realized I had locked the keys in the car.

Called dad. He drove down with the spare keys. The garage attendant took me (alone) to my car and told me that the car had drifted out to the middle of the garage. He had pushed it back into its space.

I was apparently so nervous when I got there, I left the keys in the ignition when I locked the doors AND I had left the parking brake off without realizing it.

Since it was now after midnight and I was going to be driving after the provisional license curfew of midnight, Dad followed us back to my girlfriend's house...but waited about a block or two away while I walked her to her front door.

- "Be smart, and if you're going to be dumb...be smart about it."

Fatherly advice as I began my Freshman year of college. It would be my first time living away from home, surrounded by plenty of distractions (college parties, girls, etc). Good advice.


Well, I could go on all day, but I am being summoned to the bathroom by my 3-year-old.

"Daaaaaddy, I neeeeed you. I had a poooopie."

I wonder if they will remember this part.

Keep Your Butt in School

I can only hope that my kids do not turn out like this...

Excerpts from Actual Resumes

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"OBJECTIVE: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis."

"OBJECTIVE: Total obliteration of sales and federal income taxes and tax laws."

"OBJECTION: To use my skills in sales."

"Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts."

"I have a bachelorette degree in computers."

"EDUCATION: College, August 1880 - May 1984"

"Completed 11 years of high school."

"Finished eighth in my class of ten."

"Graduated in the top 66% of my class."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."

"Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years."

"Previous experience: Self-employed - a fiasco."

"Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

"Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math."

"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business."

"I am quick at typing, about 25 words per minute."

"English (fluent)"

"Typing speed: 756 words per minute."

"Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word 'paranoia'. I prefer to elaborate privately."

"Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45am every morning. Could not work under those conditions."

"I procrastinate, especially when the task in unpleasant."

"My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend."

"Personal interests: Donating blood - 14 gallons so far!"

"REFERENCES: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

Cookouts, Lawn Mowers, & Birds, Oh My

Summer must be in the air. We spent the weekend going to cookouts and doing yard work. Yes, it just wouldn't be May without some form of dead animal on my plate. We had the usual cookout fare of burgers (cow) and hot dogs (don't ask). My 3-year-old, of course, loves hot dogs. We just try not to think about what's in them and just be glad that she's eating meat.

It reminds me of the old line from Meatballs..."The winner of today's mystery meat contest is...Jimmy, who guessed 'some type of meat'."

We also spent the weekend doing some yard work. My wife was nice enough to surprise me with a lawn service this year. My hours are so crazy that it's hard to know when I will be able to mow the lawn.

These guys will come every other week and mow the lawn. Of course, they will not mow it if the lawn is too long. I mean, hey, they're professionals so why should they mess with long grass, right? So yesterday, I went out and mowed the lawn so that my lawn service would come out and mow the lawn on Wednesday. This ranks right up there with my wife's practice of cleaning the house before the cleaning people come. At least the lawn service does the edging. Regardless, I think we'll be switching to a weekly service or find someone that will do it every 10 days.

We also set up a bird-feeder this year. Birds are really a lot of fun to watch. They will wrestle and fight over the seed, as if there wasn't a whole feeder full of it sitting right in front of them.

I see that I'm not alone in this hobby. Our 'cookout friends' also had feeders set up. It's interesting...when I was younger I would discuss things like rock groups, how much we partied the night before, etc. Now we're discussing what varieties of birds are in our back yards.

There are really only three big down-sides to having a bird feeder. First, my yard is full of squirrels. We bought this stuff called 'Squirrel Away' which is a spicy powder that you can add to the seed. This stuff makes Jalapeno look like cotton candy. The birds don't seem to mind it. Apparently, spices only affect mammals.

Second, the railings on my deck are covered with bird droppings. This is a really logical after-effect of the birds eating all that seed...one that I didn't foresee, however. Boy, it's fun wiping down the deck.

Third, it's a funny thing about bird seed. It's actual seed. I learned that hanging the bird feeder over mulch is a bad idea. The spill-over seed lands in the mulch and becomes a very resistant form of weed. I spent the weekend 'turning over' the garden since a bottle of RoundUp didn't even kill this stuff.

We also spread an organic weed killer over the seeds that hadn't sprouted yet. Apparaently, organic means "tastes like dog food" because our dog ate most of it as soon as he went outside. We realized this only after he vomited all over our living room. Fortunately, he's fine, which probably explains why the weeds were still there a few days later. I have since moved our bird feeder.

So, what would summertime be without burgers, yard work, and birds? A lot more relaxing, apparently.

See you next time.

P.S. - I was driving to work today and saw this bumper sticker...

"FOLLOW ME, CHICKENS. I'M FULL OF CORN."

If my brain explodes today, it's because I'm trying to figure this out. Help! Anyone???

Odds & Ends

A few poignant thoughts as I drift through the week...

- "Baby Names"

OK, we've got it down to two names. If we don't decide soon, I'm going to hang a dart board on the wall, put a name on each half, blindfold myself, and fire away.

- "How 'Bout Those O's?"

Are they really as good as they look right now? Once we get into our bullpen, we're money. Our upcoming series vs. the Red Sox should shed more light.

- "LOST"

It's back! I don't just mean the show is back. It's been back on for a while but the new episodes were worse than the third season of the original Star Trek...we're talking 'Spock's Brain'-bad. Now the shows are kick-butt! It's been one jaw-dropper after another.

- "Diet Coke Plus"

OK, come on. Really. Diet Coke with vitamins? Caffeine, Nutra-Sweet...hey, let's add some vitamins. What the heck is that? Now we have Diet Coke, Diet Coke with Splenda, Caffeine Free Diet Coke, Coke Zero, Coke Black (or "Blak"), C2, Diet Coke with Lime, Diet Coke with Lemon (or 'Pledge Coke' as we like to call it), Cherry Coke, Diet Cherry Coke, Vanilla Coke, and Diet Vanilla Coke. Did I miss any? At what point does Coke realize that it has over-saturated the market?

- "WWE"

We've got our tickets! I'm taking my 10-year-old in May to see THE UNDERTAKER! We can't wait.

Stay tuned for further bulletins as events warrant. Film at 11. Equal Housing Lender. Member FDIC. Equal Opportunity Employer. Do not point directly at eyes. Batteries Not Included. Some Assembly Required.

IT'S A.....

SPOILER ALERT....CAUTION....SPOILER ALERT....CAUTION

Some family members have stated that they do not want to know the gender of our baby. While it will be virtually impossible to make it through the next several months without finding out somehow, be forewarned...this blog is about the GENDER...scroll down......
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GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, this SuperDad will have 3 little 'daddy's girls'. Well, Marissa is not so little these days. Her 'other dad' is over 6 feet tall. Soon she will be looking down at me going,

"Are you talkin' to me? Are you talkin' to ME?"

Anyway, Sophia was very happy with this news because she really wanted a "baby thithter." (not making fun...just extremely cute the way she says this)

During the sonogram, the baby even seemed to turn and 'look' at us. This was extremely cool, if not a little creepy. I half-expected that little alien-looking face to say, "Phone home...phone home!"

She also seemed to kind of wave at us...just like Sophia did when we had HER sonogram.

It was almost as if she was saying, "I know you're looking at me...what is this? Some kind of zoo? I don't even have any clothes on!"

So everyone is asking, "Are you disappointed?" Would I have liked for there to be a stem on the old apple? Am I worried about the family name?

Maybe, on some level, a little part of me wanted to raise a little boy. The more I play with Sophia, though, I realize that a little piece of me will always live on...whether the last name the same or not.

I'm going to have three little 'daddy's girls'...and I couldn't be happier.

Now it's time to decide on a NAME. I'm thinking maybe, Gertrude.

T-Minus 5 Months and Counting

The reality is starting to sink in now. There will be another living, breathing human being in our house by the time Fall rolls around. In just 3 or 4 weeks we will get to see whether God "put the stem on the apple".

Of course, we will just be happy to have a healthy baby but I can't help but wonder what's in there. I know that my 'little' brother is hoping for a boy to take off some of 'the heat', as he calls it.

For that matter, we were beginning to wonder how MANY kids were in there. The doctor reassured us that there is only one baby. We were getting worried, though. I guess once a woman is getting ready for her third baby, her body just says, "Look, we've all been through this before...get into position, everyone!" BOOM!

The late-night cravings are fun too. Tonight I ran down to the store and got a couple of "Shivers"...one with Oreo (for her) and one with m&m's (for me). I now feel like I need to run a few laps around the house. My arteries are begging for mercy.

We're only at 4 months and the snoring has already kicked in. Of course, I have absolutely no room to talk. I often could pass for a small motorboat in the middle of the night. I've tried the sprays, the humidifiers, the nasal strips (did anyone actually try to SLEEP with one of those on their nose before they started marketing them??). Doesn't matter...I still snore.

I come by it honestly, though. My father is the loudest snorer on the planet. When I was a kid, I would sneak out of my bedroom, close my parents' bedroom door, close my bedroom door (which was at the other end of the hall), put a pillow over my head, and I could STILL hear dad snoring. It was like in the old cartoons where the guy inhales and the curtains gets sucked into his mouth.

I remember one time when he fell asleep on the couch in the family room in front of the T.V. He snored so loudly that he jumped about a foot.

"What was THAT?", he said.

"Some guy just ran through the house with a chainsaw, Dad."

From my mother, I inherited an even better trait. I often seem to shout in my sleep for no apparent reason. Well, for no reason that's apparent to my wife. I could tell you exactly what I'm yelling at in my dream.

The other night, I snuggled up close to my wife in my sleep and let out a nice, romantic, "AAARRRRGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!"

Trust me, you have never seen a pregnant woman jump like that. I sort of half woke myself up and we laughed for a good 10 minutes before we fell back asleep.

The poor kid in her belly probably wanted out right then and there. We're lucky that I haven't woken up the kids...although I do seem to yell out their names in my sleep. I guess they don't listen to me in my dreams either.

SuperDad Goes for Triple Play

It's been an exciting week. My wife and I are proud to announce that we're going for the 'hat trick'. Yes, we're having baby #3. My wife is now about 3 months along, meaning that we'll be expecting our bouncing-baby-something around August 30.

On Monday morning, we went and heard the heartbeat for the first time. We took our 3-year-old daughter with us who was pretty confused.

"It sounds like a train, Daddy."

"Daddy, am I going to be a big brother or a big sister?"

One of my friends was joking with me and asking me if I was ready to have to have more baby food spilled on me. This friend has no children.

I reminded him that I've already raised TWO kids. Over the past few years, I've been burped on, peed on, pooped on, puked on, coughed on, 'tooted' on, and sneezed on. A little spilled baby food? Please.

Bring on round three!

"Now Why the Hell Are They BLINKING?"

Ah...'tis the season to do what all SuperDads must do for their families. Yes, it's time to put up the Christmas lights!

This weekend, I decided to start with putting the lights on the house. I was thinking I would put up another dazzling display like last year....lights on the porch, lights on the roof, lights on the bushes, and our two, lovely little, wicker, light-up deer. Nothing says winter like a 60-degree day and two deer in the yard...

I started by taking the old buck n' doe out of the box. I set the buck in the ground and lit him up. Success. I set the doe in the ground and...she was half burnt out. No problem, maybe only one deer this year, I thought.

Then, it was on to the railing along the porch. I decided to use the garland lights from last year for this. I strung up one set and then realized I hadn't tested it first.

"BRILLIANT!"

I plugged it in and...it was half burnt out. No problem, I have three more sets...so I might just have to buy one new set. I tested the second set and...it was half burnt out. I tested the third set and...it was half burnt out. I tested the fourth set and...nothing.

I've decided that, in order to become rich, I need to go work for a Christmas light company. Apparently, these products are built so well that you must go out and buy all new lights every year.

I decided to try the first set of "net lights" from last year. I plugged it in and got an incredible shock. The lights flashed, the porch light flickered and...the net lights went out. At this point, I went into a Christmas Vacation-like tirade and, instead of kicking plastic Santa's head in, ala Clark Griswald, I picked up the burnt out doe, bent her in half, threw her and her box in the trash, whipped all 7 sets of burnt out lights over my shoulder and kicked them in to the trash can. I didn't accomplish much but I felt better.

Until my wife poked her head out the front door and said, "No offense, but it doesn't look like you've gotten very far."

"A-ha-ha-ha," I said. "Here, try plugging in these net lights."

I decided to head to Wal-Mart to look for some lights. I was going to go to Target but, in their infinite wisdom, they decided to ban the Salvation Army from standing in front of their stores. Why don't you kick Santa in the head too, while you're at it? Steal all the presents from Who-ville, perhaps?

Wal-Mart was sold out of clear lights. I did, however, buy a bigger, 48" light-up buck WITH a moving head. With a moving head, it MUST look like a real deer, right? I also slipped a couple of bucks (that's dollars, not deer) to the Salvation Army guy ringing his bell. Call me crazy but that's one of the things I look forward to every year.

I headed to Lowes. Lowes was sold out of clear lights. Although, they did have these new, clear LED lights that "save energy". I tried them out. I can see why they save energy. "Hey, everyone, my front porch looks like the shuttle bay of the U.S.S. Enterprise!"

I had to resort to Target. There, I made an amazing discovery. There is a new brand of lights called Noma StayLit lights. These lights have a circuit for EVERY BULB! They are guaranteed for life! If they burn out, you send them back to the company and they send you a new set!

"BRILLIANT!"

I can't figure out how this company makes money if you don't have to buy new sets of lights every year.

While I was there, I also bought some "energy saving" floodlights for our kitchen. These things are supposed to last SEVEN YEARS! I'll be 42 before I need to change these bulbs again! We have a light-switch in the kitchen that controls four floodlights. I figure I'll put all four of these bulbs in at once and see if they all burn out at the same time in 2013.

So five hours later (and seven sets of lights...and a deer...and three stores...and over $100), we have lights on the porch, lights on all of the bushes, and two light-up deer in the yard.

I couldn't wait to show the kids. We pulled up to the house Monday night. My ten-year-old daughter looked at the house, turned to me, and said,

"Where are the rest of the lights?"

"Here, try plugging in these net lights," I said.

I Can't Drive 55

I need to rant. I admit this won't SEEM like it has much to do with parenting but IT DOES. Traffic in this town has gotten so bad it's disgusting. Every minute that I waste sitting in my car, trying to get home, is another minute I'm not spending with my family...

Now let me be fair. I usually work a good 30 minutes from home and, since I refuse to touch the beltway, I end up on I-95. At the end of the day I'm usually trying to decide which tunnel WON'T have an accident in it that night.

Sure, I make use of all the current technology. I listen to the radio for their oh-so-vague traffic reports every 10 minutes. "I-95 is heavy between Pennsylvania and Virginia, Dave, try rowing across the bay as an alternate."

I have also subscribed to www.traffic.com so I can map out all of my possible routes home and figure out which one is least congested before I leave. I can even call them toll-free from the car for a "real-time" update from their server, which must be in Alaska since somehow they are always about 15-minutes "after the fact". In fact, I should call THEM from my car as soon as I hit a back-up so they can update their system MORE quickly.

Over the last two weeks, my luck has been such that, whatever highway I get myself onto, shuts down about 10 minutes later. I even tried leaving at lunchtime on a Friday, since getting home at the end of the week is like that scene in "Office Space" where the guy in the car sees the old guy using a walker pass him on the sidewalk. Even THEN, at lunchtime, there was an accident as soon as I got on 95 that shut it down....right after my traffic.com update said my "Jam Factor" was ZERO.

Monday night, on my way home, a SERIES of accidents (yes, a SERIES of accidents) shut down I-95 on my way home. I sat still on the highway for over an hour. We all had our cars turned off and it was dark so it sort of looked like "The Day the Earth Stood Still". I ended up missing my daughter's basketball game. She scored two of her team's three baskets. Sure, it was a lot worse for the people that were actually IN the accident...but still.

So, here are a few rules that maybe we can all remember to help us get through life a little more quickly:

SuperDad's 10 Commandments of Driving

1) When a sign says "Speed Limit - 40", they really mean it. It's not a trick. You don't have to go 35 or even 30, just to be safe. You actually have the freedom to go all the way up to 40mph. In fact, some of our finest that I've talked to say that they wouldn't even pull someone over unless they were going over 45mph...but I digress.

2) When it rains, you don't automatically need to go 10mph below the speed limit. In fact, this is MORE dangerous than going too fast. You could get rear-ended by someone who doesn't expect you to actually be going MORE slowly than the posted speed. It's just water. You bathe in it, you drink it. If you use those new-fangled "windshield wipers", you can even see well enough to still be able to drive in it. (By the way, if it WAS just pouring and now it has slowed to a drizzle, you don't need to leave your wipers on "High" for an extra 30 minutes. A quick switch to "intermittent" will preserve your blades' longevity.)

3) If a police car already HAS someone pulled over, with its lights flashing, you don't need to slam on your brakes before passing it. Not only does this look more suspicious than speeding, but he's obviously ALREADY busy. He's not going to say, "Sir, you're off the hook because this other guy just blew by me at 68mph!"

4) If there is an accident, it's safe to assume that there will ALWAYS be at least one police car, fire truck, and an ambulance on the scene. There might also be a few crunched up vehicles and some people rubbing their necks, talking on their cell phones, and walking around. We don't need to slow down to get a better look.

5) Which brings me to those flashing highway signs. These things contain MAYBE one sentence. "ACCIDENT AHEAD - DELAYS POSSIBLE". How long did it take you to read that just now? I bet if you were driving along, you certainly wouldn't need to jam on the brakes so that you had more time to read the sign. Soon they will have to add more signs, "TRAFFIC SIGN AHEAD - DELAYS POSSIBLE".

6) Let's talk about the FAST lane. You know which one this is, right? The one on the left? The PASSING lane? It used to be that if you were cruising in this lane without actually "passing" anyone, you could get pulled over. What happened to those days? If you're not passing someone, get out of the left lane. If you cut into this lane to pass someone, pass them and get back out of it. I love the guys who zip onto the highway and cut across all three lanes just to get to the left lane and do 50mph. Sometimes, I wish I had a grille missile.

7) Note to the highway authority: If there is an accident or construction in ONE tunnel, it is NOT OK to shut down lanes in the OTHER tunnel for construction at the same time. The only goal that this behavior could possibly have is to see if they make it onto the traffic report. "Well, Dave, in the Fort MacHenry Tunnel, you're pretty much screwed and in the Harbor Tunnel, you're S.O.L. there too. Try riding a camel home tonight, everyone."

8) Another note: If I'm paying for an E-Z Pass, it is NEVER okay to NOT have any E-Z pass lanes open. If I want to sit in line, I'll get out two dollars and tell you.

9) A note on traffic lights. If you are first in line at a red light, you can probably see when the light is about to turn. Even if you can't, you can always be prepared to GO when the light changes. "The light's green now. Let's see, I need to put down the pack of gum, get off the phone, close the map, get my foot onto the accelerator, and hit the gas. Oh, it's red again. Oh well, darn." NOTE: If you're waiting to make a left and the light turns yellow, that's when you GO. It is not adviseable to wait for it to turn green again and start all over.

10) Lastly, and this is a little ambitious but we have too many people in this town already, if you do NOT have to be at work or take the kids to school, stay off the roads from 7:30am - 9:30am and from 5pm - 7pm. I love being late for an appointment and being behind Elmer who is pointing out to his wife, Ethel, what a lovely job they did painting these new white lines on the road.

These things will probably never happen but, hey, at least I feel better. When all else fails, my motto is: "Lead, Follow, or Get Out of the Way." Or, in the immortal words of Dudley Moore, in the movie "Crazy People",

"If you would all just GO, there wouldn't be any traffic!"

See you in my rear-view mirror.

Something off My Chest

I had a very traumatic experience the day after my 35th birthday. As I got into the shower, I let out a scream that startled my wife, who was getting ready for work herself...

Yes, I found my first grey chest hair. At first, I thought perhaps it wasn't attached. Surely, this is a hair from my dog that has attached itself to me. I went to pull it off of me...and it hurt.

My wife, kind person that she is, snipped it right off for me...there's a visual. Now at least I don't have to think about it until it grows back.

As if it weren't bad enough that I look like Chewbacca on Rogaine, I now have hair that is turning on me.

It gets worse. I'm now doing things that my parents used to do. When I'm upset at my kids, I start calling them by the wrong names. I find myself saying things like, "Don't make me come in there again!" and "I will turn this car around if you don't cut it out right now!"

The annual Fall time-change has also been a real treat. My 2-year-old is now waking up at 6am, raring to go. At 6am, I can't even remember how to open the bedroom door yet my daughter comes in, picks up the remote, and turns on "The Wiggles".

Then there's tonight.....Halloween! I took both of our girls 'trick or treating', one as a vampiress and the other as a doctor. Me, I went as Neo. Of course, once I saw the picture that my wife took, it occured to me that Neo doesn't really have a slightly receding hairline but, hey, what the hell?

We left the house with lots of energy and enthusiasm. By the fourth house I was carrying a bucket of candy, a stethoscope, and a doctor...which is ironic because, by then, it looked as though Neo might need one.

35? There Must be Some Mistake

So today is my birthday. As Garfield would say, "Big, fat, hairy deal." I don't FEEL any older. I guess it's possible that my hair is a little thinner. Was that wrinkle there last week?...

Actually, I feel like I'm on top of my game. After all, males "peak" in their mid-30's...which I guess means I am no longer in my "early" 30's. Nope, I'm half-way to 70...one-third of the way to 105....look out Willard Scott.

My 2-year-old daughter stomped into our bedroom this morning and said, "Happy Birffday, Daddy!"

So you know those cards that tell you what happened during the year you were born? I hate those things. Not because they make one feel old but because no one actually REMEMBERS the year they were born. I know I don't remember being born.

This is a good thing because I'm sure I would not have liked it. I don't even like getting out of our nice, warm bed in October to hit the cold bathroom floor. I don't even like squeezing my head through a T-shirt that's too small. I really don't even like taking my shirt off at the beach, let alone being naked in room full of people.

I DO, however, remember being 10-years-old. Let's look at the year 1981....

- The hostages in Iran were freed (I remember my mother letting me stay home from school to watch it on TV......moms are the best!)

- Pope John Paul II was wounded by some crazy gunman

- President Reagan was wounded by some crazy gunman (hmm, is there a theme here?)

- A stamp cost $0.18

- The L.A. Dodgers beat the Yankees in the World Series (I KNEW I liked being 10)

- A little TV channel went on the air called MTV

- A little video game swept across the country called Pac-Man

- IBM introduced a strange little thing called a " personal computer" (actually, it was a huge device that would NEVER fit on your lap)

- The FDA approved of a sweetener called aspartame (NutraSweet), my wife and I haven't been the same since (thank you, Diet Coke).

- The Grammy for Record of the Year (you see records were these round things...oh forget it) went to Christopher Cross for "Christopher Cross"

- Miss America was Susan Powell (OK)....er, I mean she WAS OK, but she was from Oklahoma

- Best Picture, "Ordinary People" (I have no idea what this was about but I'm guessing it was about people that were.....ordinary)

When I was 10, I walked 5 minutes across the street to school. Now, I drive 30 minutes to work...on a GOOD day with no traffic. Back then, I worried that my mom forgot to put a dessert in my lunch. Now, I worry that that goofball in North Korea is going to Nuke someone. Back then, my "baby" brother was 3 years old. Now, he's going to be 28...and he's taller than I am. How does THAT happen? Back then, my dad would throw the football around with me in his work clothes after he got home. Now, I toss the lacrosse ball around with my 9-year-old daughter and kick the soccer ball around with my 2-year-old daughter...in my work clothes.

Back then, girls were still kind of gross. Now, my wife is my best friend, my kids are my life...and life is good. Watch out 40, here I come!

"Where There's Smoke..."

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I have now seen it all. As I was flipping through the pages of this month's "Details" magazine, I saw the ad. Can we all agree that the "100% natural" trend has gone a little too far?...

You can now buy "natural" Kellogg's cereals and "natural" Ragu pasta sauce (I don't even want to know what's in it). There are now even "natural" potato chips. Where do they grow those, exactly? I don't recall ever driving through the country and staring in awe at the massive potato chip fields.

Anyway, there within the pages of the magazine is the ad. "Do you know what you're smoking?", it begins. Did you know that most cigarettes are full of artificial by-products? Well, now there is an answer. Yes, you too can smoke "Natural Spirit" cigarettes...the "all natural" cigarette. Are they serious??? The ad should just read,

"This cigarette will kill you MUCH more slowly."

We were watching a movie together last week and my two-year-old asked, "What's that in her mouth?"

It occurred to my wife and me that she had, fortunately, never SEEN someone smoke. We actually had difficulty explaining this. I mean, really, who was the first guy (or girl) that thought of this?

Who actually looked at some tobacco and said, "I know...let's roll it up in some paper, light it on fire, then stick it in our MOUTHS and INHALE it!"??

Thankfully, smoking has been banned in most indoor places...at least here in Maryland. Of course, this just means that most people congregate outside the entrances and exits and smoke there.

I really enjoy going to the mall and pushing Sophia up the stroller entrance only to have to walk through the mushroom cloud of cigarette smoke from the 14-year-old Britney Spears Wanna-Be's who have somehow managed to get their hands on a pack of smokes.

I've trained my daughter to hold her breath as we approach the door. I've even been known to say something to the smokers congregating by the stroller entrance from time to time. I mean, if you want to fill kids' lungs with smoke, do it to your own and not to mine.

I was watching the news a few weeks ago and there was a clip of this woman fleeing from a burning house. She was smoking a cigarette. I felt like saying, "What's your hurry?". The fire would have only accelerated the process a few years and saved her from years of suffering from lung cancer, emphysema, etc. If I had to choose between slow torture and a bullet to the head, I'd choose a bullet to the head any day.

Well, maybe she was smoking one of those "all natural" cigarettes. At least then she might make it another 20 or 30 years.